Dingleberry Gazette

When Clairissa asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday, a scene from House of 1,000 Corpses jumped immediately to mind. Making a booze run is common in my world, both giving and receiving. When Rufus and Baby Firefly head on down to Red Hot Pussy Liquors, the conversation went something like this:

“Welcome to Red Hot Pussy Liquors. That’s a whole lotta holy water for two people. What you gonna do with all this booze?”

In Baby Firefly’s giggly voice: “We’re gonna get fucked up and do fucked up shit. Okay with that, Goober?”

“Huck. I like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit too!”

The party started early. The clowns were calling me at 3:30 AM, so I put in my well-worn DVD copy of HOTC. It was a dark way to start the day, but when you have role models like Captain Spaulding and Shakes, top secret clown business is the order of the day.

The opening scene of HOTC is a lot like any other work night, sans body parts and clown shoes. (New Balance FYI.) Captain Spaulding is babysitting idiots when robbers show up. It’s a quirky, nonsensical play on what I expect to happen to me someday.

Which of these two lines would you prefer to hear when you walk in to a spooky joint with a sorta-friendly-lookin’ scary assed clown confronting you?

“Well, shit the bed! How ya doin’?”

Or…

(Hands up in “stick ‘em up” fashion, except with FU birds flying.) “No! Fuck your mama.”

“Fuck your Grandma!” Tension builds. “Fuck your sister.”

Crazy crap happens. Captain Spaulding takes control of the situation. Apparently blood spatter on clown shoes is a drag to clean.

Scary-Clown-Man sticks your own gun in your face and says, “But most of all, fuck YOU!” pop Pop POP. Fade to black and let the opening credits roll.

This is a public service reminder. It’s Rose Festival. Let’s get fucked up and do fucked up shit. But be nice and play fair, or scary clowns will descend.

HBD2ME. That is all.