Heart of the Homeland
I’ve been feeling the influence of my father lately. He’s been gone almost thirty years, but I still think about him every day. While I take after mom in lots of ways, (hair color, build) I carry a heaping portion of dad around as well. One of his favorite things to do was to pile everyone into the car and go for a drive.
Saturday I had the opportunity to do just that, and I seized it.
You know how when a friend gets a new car, and they’re all excited about it? “You need milk? I know a place in Scappoose that sells milk. I’ll drive you!” Well, that shine wears off after a while, and then it’s “But that’s forty blocks away. Can’t you take a bus?”
I have a friend with a snazzy car, and she’s not as up for a road trip as she used to be, so when she offered to let me pick a restaurant anywhere I wanted, I tested the boundaries. Cascade Locks? Too far.
“How about Estacada?”
“We could do that.”
Glad I didn’t settle for Beaverton. Read the rest of this entry »
Buttholes for her Birthday
It’s chilly in my room this morning. With yesterday’s temperatures in the 80s, I had a window fan and a turbo fan blowing when I went to sleep. I woke up long enough to turn the window fan off and cover up. I still had an hour of sleepy time, so I used it to rewind the events of the weekend… Read the rest of this entry »
I’m Your Boogey Man
Gotta love instant karma. There’s been a wave of rudeness in the customer service world, with me being on the receiving end. I’ve got thick skin and a ton of patience, but it gets old. I love it when nature helps play a part.
I have allergies. Cat allergies, pollen, etc… It seems I have a perpetual cold. I keep paper towels handy at work, for nasal ‘incidents’ and other quick mop-ups. (Drinks on ice leave a drippy trail, messing with lottery tickets and credit card slips.) I fold up two or three paper towels and set them behind the touch-screen of my cash register. They are not for public consumption.
So imagine my surprise when a pair of young fellows, dressed like cabana boys and acting oh so entitled, came to the register. I was a few steps away, and as I approached one of the fellows asked, “Are cigarettes cheaper across the street?”
Not the quickest way to my heart. I said, “I don’t know, I don’t work across the street.”
His friend, and I’m assuming the friend thinks it’s cute, walks his fingers past my comfort zone behind the register, grabs one of my folded paper towels and begins wiping his face with it. I couldn’t resist.
“Um, I just blew my nose on that.”
He went from tan to green in seconds. “Eww…”
I told him, all daddy-like, “It’s best to ask before taking things, and even smarter when you’re reaching back here. You could get hurt. I once sliced a friend’s thumb open with a box-cutter when he thought it’d be funny to play stick-’em-up.”
Greenie was inspecting the paper towel. His friend asked, “Are there boogers on it?”
Greenie, suddenly overcome with politeness, asked, “May I have one?”
I nodded at the one he was holding. “It’s all yours now.”
Greenie’s friend bought the cigarettes anyway, and winked at me on the way out.
For the record, the only thing on the paper towel was a wet spot from mopping up an ice cube. Just doing my part to educate the young people of America.
“Hey, Brown-eye!”
“Your store stinks!”
That was an effeminate fellow’s salutation at work the other night. Not expecting that, or knowing what else to say, I replied, “Thank you.”
“Excuse me? I tell you your store stinks, and you say ‘Thank you?’” He harrumphed. “Shouldn’t you be spraying something or something?”
“Dude,” I replied, “I smell funky stuff all night long. What does it smell like? Bum? Raspberry pesticide? Dirty diaper? What?”
“If a customer complains, you should immediately do something about it!”
“Okay, I’ll get right on it.” I picked up the Portland Mercury and began reading.
“Fine. How much are cigarettes?” I told him. “WHAT? You stink and you’re expensive?”
“It’s been a pleasure to meet you too.”
Something registered in his face. “Oh, I wasn’t referring to you personally. I was-…” Blah blah blah.
There was no shortage of rude assholes last week. Allow me to share the fun… Read the rest of this entry »
