I Am Not A Doctor

February 15, 2010 at 1:51 pm (The Easy Chair)

I don’t even play one on TV.

This is a blog of small ambitions. I don’t promote it, and don’t mind keeping a low profile. I think of it as writing my life story, without leaving reams of paper in a box somewhere to be destroyed by fire or flood. (I do fear cyber-destruction; PLEASE never abandon me, WordPress…) It’s like having a diary left open on the kitchen table. You can read it if you want to, or you can ignore it. I’m not inspired by its popularity, or discouraged by the lack thereof.

I’m a man of very simple education. Thanks to Google, that education I scrimped on in the ’70s hasn’t come back to haunt me too much. I can look up whatever I need to know and get an overview in .00038 of a second. Now that’s smart!

I’m not the only one who cheats the educational system. I get a lot of new readers from search engines like Google, and the terms and topics that bring them to my site are often humorous. I get a lot of traffic thanks to “topless haircuts”, “BDSM haircuts”, “red lesbo” etc… My ongoing worship of Clairissa brings the boys to the yard.

Maria Schneider’s pubic hair brought me lots of traffic last year. (She has a glorious ’70s bush in Last Tango In Paris.) Marlon Brando also helped with my visitor count. Last Tango must have been on an extended cable run.

I owe a tip of the hat to the Sleep Country USA ladies; Jessica Teel and Mary Kay Irvin. It’s obvious they’ve captured the attention of more than just me. Thank you, ladies! Unlike your competitors, your commercials don’t bother me a bit. Except in that tentpole kind of way…

Google is also a dispenser of medical advice. I’ve done the internet doctor thing: Google my symptoms and see whether I need to worry or not. While it’s never wise to trust the internet totally, it can give you the info to make an informed preliminary decision.

Folks doing this should follow up by asking the doctor, especially my latest unlikely traffic sensation:

Episiotomies.

I wrote a post a couple years back about Mizelle’s newly announced pregnancy, and included an informative link about episiotomies. About three weeks ago Google locked onto this post, and I’ve received about a thousand visitors looking for info on that most intimate procedure. WARNING: Guys, if you Google episiotomy pictures looking for ‘gina thrills, you will be disappointed. Trust me. Don’t trust me? Go ahead and look. (Told ya.)

So kids, if you are seeking medical advice, don’t get it from me. This would be the disclaimer that keeps me from getting sued if anyone is dumb enough to try a home episiotomy. God, I hope no one would be dumb enough to do that. I hope no one would even *think* of that, and am a bit disturbed with my own self for coming up with the concept of such. That’s right up there with home circumcision in the ‘not a good idea’ department.

I can imagine what Dr McCoy on Star Trek would say. “He’s dead, Jim.”

Now, that guy could play a doctor on TV…