Laying at the bottom of the garbage at work, where Dr T will see it first thing, is a pretzel stick with its end covered in black jelly. It’s attached to a note that reads, “Mr Bill’s tallywhacker. I have pics.”
It was the only part of Mr Bill that survived the night.
I’ve been spending a lot of time around Rain. She’s back to the methadone clinic, so life is stable, er, stabler. Yeah. It’s a wild ride with Rain, even when she’s calm. She keeps a schedule, runs with a mellower crowd, is more focused. Lately things have been special; today seemed more so. I had an hour to kill before work, so I chased her down at Pioneer Square. We found a bench and talked.
Intimate things. Hilarious things. I am reserved around strangers, Rain quite the opposite. She will grab a room by the balls and shake it like a pitbull shakes a kitten. No one escapes her gaze, and if you don’t talk? She will talk shit about you as though you aren’t there. She can be subtle, but you have to get to know her first.
She took me by surprise one day. (It might have been the merry merry month of May. I don’t remember.) Somehow the subject of Hee Haw came up, and she knew the “Where oh Where?” song. We sang it through, slobber and all. For you kids who haven’t a fucking clue what I’m talking about, here’s a clip:
Another thing that charmed me no end? Her use of the word ‘tallywhacker.’ Oh, we all know what it means, but I hadn’t heard the word used since Porky’s. It’s a word my parents used in mixed company. Rain had picked it up from her parents as well. Some words just make you laugh every time you hear them. “Tallywhacker” is one of those words for me.
When it comes out from the sassy mouth of a beautiful black woman who is Ebony Magazine gorgeous? My heart be still.
Oh, she can take it the other direction. I have heard her say the words “You old bastard…” with such venom that the said Old Bastard’s testes shriveled up and rolled off in a panic like a hairball from Critters.
Earlier, I’d given a guy directions to a strip joint, and he tipped me two bucks. (I told Dr T: “I didn’t even send him to Darcelle’s!”) I used it to buy Rain peanut butter cookies, and later, my directional skills paid off again. A couple looking for the Red Line to the airport gifted me a Voodoo doughnut that looked like Mr Bill.
I began chowing down on Mr Bill’s lower extremities. My phone buzzed: “I’m good, you go ahead and enjoy.”
I sent photographic evidence. “Sorry, he’s going fast. How about this? I will finish him off tonight, and happily give you a little head in the morning…”
Sometimes I can hear the eyeroll from across town.