Duty Calls

April 27, 2016 at 11:20 am (Cussed Dumbers)

Salmon St FountainI remember when weekends meant the drinking started Thursday, the acid got dropped on Friday. (After work.) Saturday you drank yourself down from Friday night, and Sunday you slept all day so you could string two sentences together on Monday.

Times have changed.

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With Friends Like This…

April 20, 2016 at 4:20 am (Cosmic Encounters, Cussed Dumbers)

It had been an honest to dog three-day weekend. The sun was out, it was almost 90 degrees as I stepped into the Waterfront Store, ready to start my work week. I said hello to Mrs Brady, who was running about like a headless chicken. Freight had just arrived. “I’ll be here until six, we’ll get it done!” Her attitude is usually sunny, and we work well together.

I said hello to Uncle Cliffy, who grunted and said, “Boss wants to talk to you before you start.” His ominous tone gave me no concern. A chat with the boss is usually just that.

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Stupid Is As Stupid Does

April 19, 2016 at 12:27 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

"Feeed meee..."

“Feeed meee…”

“I need a simple day job. I can’t deal with stupid any more.”

I was chatting with Officer Paul of Clean and Safe outside the Upscale Mall. The sunny weather, upper 80s in mid-April, had the loonies out in full force. I wasn’t working on this fine afternoon, but a walk downtown seems like work. Everyone knows me.

Officer Paul rode off toward the river, hmm, was something afloat?

The public’s attitude of late is like things that float.

In a terlet.

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“Get To Work!”

April 11, 2016 at 4:20 am (Cussed Dumbers, Sweet sticky things)

Breakfast of Champions

Breakfast of Champions

I plucked the empty forty of Olde English 800 from atop the trash, rinsed, and poured an inch of Coca Cola from the fountain. Added a half-inch more from the Sprite tap, swirled, and set it outside on the base of the pay phone.

Sitting amid the scaffolding adjacent to the building was a homeless kid that looked like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. He got up as soon as I went inside, snagged the bottle and sniffed it. “Hmm!” He shrugged and took a swallow. Then another. He went back into hiding.

I went back outside, and walked over to him. “It’s just Coke and Sprite, in case you’re wondering what you’re drinking,” I said.

“Thanks for telling me. I’m actually glad it’s not beer. I’m hung over as fuck already.” His big, raggedy smile was contagious.

Then a familiar face walked past. My little sister! Through a series of coinkydinks, her first attempt at applying for a job since 1988 was a grand-slam home run. She is now working in the housekeeping section of a swanky downtown hotel, keeping hours similar to mine. I’ve been known to meet her buses at random times, and sneak her into the bowels of the Waterfront Building late at night, albeit just to use the bathroom.

Any mischief in the basement is reserved for Rain and brave co-workers.

A lot of hiring and firing has been happening at my work. I haven’t had to train yet, but I encounter new faces in odd places. One guy was my freight help on Wednesday. On Thursday I was called because he had “been arrested for jaywalking and being held in $15,000 bail.” As Master P said, “He needs to be more forthcoming on why a jaywalking ticket costs fifteen grand.”

There are two attractive female new-hires. I am behaving myself.

I am behaving myself.

It seems like I’m on holiday. Maybe it’s just scheduling quirks, or the fact that Rain has been gone and I’m finally starting to decompress. I pick up every shift offered, making the check fluffier. I was stressing, until I looked at a calendar and realized I’m two weeks ahead on my bills. (Barring death or dismemberment, and we don’t want any of that.) Gots to pace myself. Behave myself. Stay healthy.

Rain took me to the store last night, and spent $81 on stuff I need in the day-to-day. She plans like a prepper, watches the deals, and hooks me up with stuff I always need. Flonase! That shit is expensive! I have a full four-month supply ready for when my current one runs out.

Denture materials? She bought the 120-day supply of effervescent tablets, which is about nine months worth for me. Polident, not the generic stuff. Yes, Virginia, there is a difference. She looked at the Fixodent. When I told Rain, “I have enough glue” she got the giggles.

“I don’t know why I find that funny.” She dabbed at the corner of her eyes.

Three economy-sized bottles of 91% isopropyl alcohol. For bug control, bong-cleaning, and emergency flushing when the fucking cats peel out on top of my foot. Cat scratch fever, duh duh, duh.

Viva paper towels. Because some things are worth it. I don’t bitch when she demands Cottonelle toilet paper, as long as I have Viva for my jizz-rags. We live large when it comes to paper products.

Buy one, get one half-off. Hello, ibuprofen! I greet every day with 1,200 mgs of generic Advil, since 1990. I would be an old cripple without it. Thanks to my baby, I haven’t paid for pills (the legal kind) in a couple years. And I won’t have to, until at least September.

Angel got a new job. It sounds like my nephew might be working at the neighborhood Freddy’s. The weather is turning around, I feel the need for yardwork. (That feeling is enhanced by the notice from the city to clean a few things up. Oh-kay…)

But first, I have a couple of lunch shifts to cover. I’ll be missing the Cubs home-opener, but there are 150+ games to go. Maybe a matinee tomorrow? Who am I kidding? Days of the Cubs as daytime TV drama are long gone. MLB network has lots of games at random times, so I will adjust accordingly. I still dream of a Cubs-Mariners World Series.

Time to make the doughnuts…

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Why It’s The Green Line…

April 6, 2016 at 10:31 am (Cosmic Encounters, On the road again..., One Particular Angel)

Bathtub Plants
“What you doin tomorrow?” It was a text from Angel.

“Oh, this and that. Off work. Why you ask?”

“Because I have to come downtown for court, and I’ve missed you. Thought I’d say hi, and maybe even reapply to work with you…”

My heart hit the ceiling of my brain before bouncing southward to my crotch and back to chest level. “Angel back in town? I’m stumbling and stuttering with excitement already!”

“My court is at 1 PM. Want to meet before or after?”

“Do you have someone to go to court with you?”

“No. I’ve never even been in a courthouse, don’t even know which one to go to.”

“Would you like me to go with you?”


I was grinning ear-to-ear. “Text me the address of the courthouse. I will be happy to go with you. But… I have some marijuana to deliver first…”

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“You’re Sick!”

March 23, 2016 at 6:17 am (My Soreballs Vacation, The Easy Chair)

"See How Big My Hands Are?"

“See How Big My Hands Are?”

Yes I am. But not in the twisted, obscenity-laced way you’re used to.

I spent a couple days home in bed, just resting and waiting for the fever to break. It’s been a long while since I’ve had so much uninterrupted quiet time. I caught up on some TV, smoked four or five joints, and took about twenty naps as a result. I woke up in a sweat about an hour ago, and no longer feel like warmed-over death.

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The Intergalactic Crack Pipe

March 8, 2016 at 12:25 pm (Cosmic Encounters, On the road again...)

Voorhees, late-night man at the Mothership, came to visit me at the Waterfront Store. “I have something for you. Eva Braun said, ‘I don’t care what you do with it, just get it out of here’. So I immediately thought of you.”

Liftoff in three...

Liftoff in three…

He unwrapped a Chipotle napkin, revealing a space-age looking gizmo. “I think it’s one a THEM kinda pens! Festus wanted to sell it to some guy named Carmine for ten bucks, but fuck Carmine!”

I sniffed the tip of it; a vague tobaccoish scent. I thanked him, stashed it in my traveling bag, and forgot about it for three days. When he texted, “How’s that new pen working for ya?” I felt kinda guilty. I should at least check it out.

I took it out of its nest-napkin, and pushed the button on the side. It lit up neon green, and smoke or something filled the little lamp/chimney thingy. Hmm, well, even if it is tobacco, it won’t kill me to take one puff.

I exhaled toward the sky. I think I might be onto something here…

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“Your God Won’t Save You Now!”

February 11, 2016 at 12:13 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Outside The Mothership

Outside The Mothership

Back before Elmo fell from grace, when a customer would complain about high cigarette prices by declaring, “Oh Jesus!”, Elmo would respond with “Your God Won’t Save You Now!” I found this hilarious, but controversial, and it’s his line, so I left it to him. Lately I’ve been tempted to resurrect it.

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The Neighborhood Watch

January 23, 2016 at 11:30 am (Cussed Dumbers)

"I TOL' YOU..."


Friday and Saturday at the Nightclub Store are often memorable, for the unique and varied clientele that wander through town. NBA players, fans from other states wondering where to line up to see Kobe. The nightclub regulars, who I’ve seen every weekend for the last decade. The Dirt Urchins, who sit in piles near mini-marts and liquor stores, spanging and hustling.

Then there are the dumb-shits who come to town to get drunk and cause trouble. Careful what you wish for!

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Fruitcake Syndrome

January 20, 2016 at 12:10 pm (Cussed Dumbers)



Weird Steven poked his head into the store. “You want some chocolate cake? I have a bunch of it.”

“From Pete’s? Sure! If nothing else, I’ll eat the crumbs off the top.” It has this sugar/crumble topping that outshines the moist, chocolate cake-body. Yum.

“I have had a bag of it in my fridge for about five days. It’s still moist, but the topping looks a little sweaty. It’s still good! I’ll be right back.”

Hmm. What sounded delicious now sounds like a re-gifting opportunity…

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