The hook has been set…

May 11, 2007 at 1:24 am (Cussed Dumbers)

MTV has the show Jackass. If it were about me, it would be called Smartass.

I work with an eclectic bunch, and we do customer service on an even more eclectic bunch. Tempers flare, gossip abounds, and the stories get bigger and better with every shift, taking on their own life. Like my jumper story. I haven’t told it since the other night, but the street patrol and TriMet security have kept it alive and flourishing. There are few secrets amongst my co-workers. We have been accused of being bigger gossips than a gaggle of old ladies.

If not for sick, black, obnoxious humor, we would go truly crazy.

My immediate supervisor, Grinder McV, is a great guy. We have a history. He attended the same church I was forced to, way back when we were kids. His first roommate was my best friend’s older brother. We both had dark secrets and behaviors that got us expelled from the religion early on. While we didn’t keep in contact over the years, he recognized me immediately when I came to work with him, and we get along famously.

It also gives me license to give him shit once in a while. And tonight, I did.


One of the locals who wanders downtown, collecting empty cans and bottles to redeem for a nickel each, gave me a Tootsie Roll, making nice. I thanked him, and set it aside. Not wanting to shout down a shoplifter while masticating a Tootsie Roll, I pondered what to do with it.

When I see a Tootsie Roll, I think of kitty litter cake. It’s made in a brand-new cat box, with yellow cake, vanilla pudding and spots of green food coloring to simulate the litter. The mess?

Tootsie Rolls.

Since the most adventurous cook I know refuses to make this cake for me, I’ve often wondered how authentic it would look. Faced with a few minutes of quiet time, I decided to experiment with the Tootsie Roll.

Ten seconds in the microwave was just about right. I rolled the Tootsie Roll (redundant, I know) like a joint, then squished it around, and tapered it into the perfect pile of poo. After a few minutes of hardening, I was in business.

I modified part of an empty carton of Newport into a greeting card, and with a bit of scotch tape, attached the offensive present. The card reads, ‘Grinder, just giving you shit, per usual.’ I signed it with doodles of hearts and flowers, and left it sitting in the middle of his desk. I tried taking a picture of it; we’ll see if it turns out. Here’s hoping I caught the fruit flies circling the pile while I was snapping.

That pales compared to the bigger practical joke coming down. In an earlier post, I went on at length about my friend Chuckles. (Chips and Evil Snickers, April 20, 2007.) Chuckles is a nice guy. Sensitive. Sheltered in many ways. He’s probably seen more working six months in our stores than he’d seen in twenty years elsewhere.

He loves Jesus. Loves guns. Hates drugs and hookers. (While I am cool with all of the above!) He’s more than a little homophobic. And he really, really likes black girls.

So what would the perfect movie be for a prankster like me to loan him?

The Crying Game, of course!

I asked him if he’d seen it. (“Nope, never heard of it.”) I loaned it to him three weeks ago. Finally, he returned it the other day. I asked him how he liked it, by singing, “So, do you know all there is to know about The Crying Game?…”

He was apologetic. “If I could borrow it one more time, I’d appreciate it. My knee hurt the day I watched it, and I ate a bunch of pain pills and fell asleep about halfway through. It looked really good, and I want to see it.”

So I allowed him to borrow it for a couple more days.

While the whole staff of thirty or so is in on the joke now, no one has spilled the beans. (Or should I say franks and beans?) Despite all the gossip, backbiting and other crap that happens at the workplace, I will say this about my co-workers: if it’s for a good cause, they can keep a secret!

I have the next three days off, but I expect a couple of calls from work. One will probably include the phrase, ‘You won’t know, how, when, or where, but I will get you, motherfucker!’

And Grinder McV? I’m guessing, since he’s the boss, I’ll have some obscure cleaning detail come Monday.

Maybe I can distract him by suggesting we make kitty litter cake…


  1. Ike said,

    Ah hah. Man aint it the truth?

  2. Freddie said,

    Right on! Whilst working at CCJM, one of the nurses (Jim) rolled a tootsie into a pile and put it under a stuffed animals butt – I believe it was kangaroo.

    Love Ya,


  3. Freddie said,

    Freddike was too damn funny to change



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