“Whatcha gonna do…

August 3, 2007 at 1:20 am (The Easy Chair)

…when they come for you?”

I catch a lot of crap from a certain young lady about my addiction to the TV show COPS. The Simpsons isn’t the only Fox TV show that has been on for almost twenty years. I’ve been watching since the beginning.

Maybe even before the beginning…

One summer in the late ’80s, I spent six months living in a car. One morning, after all the bars closed, I heard a ruckus outside the car. Peering out, I saw police lights. There was something different about this traffic stop; the area was lit up with TV lights. Were they shooting a movie? The cop car was a regular Portland car, and there was nothing strange about the stop, other than it was well-lit for 3 AM.

Later on, in the newspaper, I saw that cameramen were riding along on patrol, and capturing some of the fun our blue knights encounter on a daily and nightly basis. I couldn’t wait to see our fair city showcased across the nation. After it started airing, my sister would videotape them for me, and I’d watch after work.

I deal with the police a lot at work, and my job is as close to law enforcement as I want to get. They have saved my ass on numerous occasions, and when people bad-mouth the police, it irritates me. It’s not a thankless job, but it must seem like it to them sometimes.

At every store I’ve worked, there has been a cop or two who became a regular and made it a point to come by and say hello. When proper, they will share war stories and amusing anecdotes.

At one store, my regular officer came by to say hi. “I’ve got a story for ya!” A couple that lived near the store had been drinking and yelling, fighting in the yard, the usual. “We showed up, and they’re pretending to be mad at each other, but something doesn’t seem quite right. After a couple of questions, it becomes clear that they think COPS is filming in town, and if they get on they could make a $500 appearance fee. Once they saw it was just us, they started behaving and apologized for bothering us.”

Officer Paul continued, “We got back to the car, and made it a little ways when dispatch tells us the male has a warrant for his arrest. So we go back, and it’s obvious they have made up. My partner goes around the back, peeks in the window. She’s got her dentures on the coffee table, they’re stretched out in front of the TV, and she’s blowing him. Just as things are getting near the moment of truth, my partner keys the radio mike, and I cut loose on the front door with my nightstick. It’s a good thing her teeth were out! And he was NOT happy with our timing. We cuffed and stuffed him, and he was taken into custody for the weekend.”

Dang. Where are the cameras when you really need them?

I’ve seen my neighborhood on the show; an auto thief was pulled from under a parked car. (Some things don’t change.) I watched one of the media spokespeople use her tazer on a dumbshit who tried grabbing her gun. One of my favorite Clean and Safe officers has been on the show. “If it involves blood and southeast Portland, it was probably me…”

And now the anticipation and excitement begin anew. The crew of COPS is in Portland, and has been filming around town all week. In fact, there was a bust filmed on the corner near the store just a couple of days ago.

My dilemma? I spend a lot of Saturday nights at this girl’s house, and that’s when the new episodes air. What to do? (A recurring mantra- “We’re NOT watching COPS.”) The new episodes probably won’t air until late fall or next year, so I’ve got plenty of time to soften her up.

What if I got really drunk, stripped nekkid and ran down the middle of 122nd Avenue? I could get the $500 appearance fee, take her out for a nice dinner and then *surprise* her when we got home?

Maybe not such a good idea after all…

1 Comment

  1. Betsy said,

    There’s a one-word solution here: TiVo.
    Or if you’re old school: VCR.

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