This is your brain on drugs…

November 1, 2007 at 12:11 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

…minus the drugs!

Little Red Riding Hood, a Caveman and Godzilla walk into a newsstand. No, really. It happened.

I love the surrealism of Halloween night. After hearing official word from Grinder regarding the firing of the Trainee, (which was breaking news here yesterday, an hour before it happened) I emerged from the back office to see Snow White. Except she was African-American, so technically she would be Snow Black. Either way, she was pretty, and I told her so. Waiting at the counter for me was a guy with a bloody screw sticking out of his forehead. I figured he’d want Tylenol, but a can of Sparks and a pack of Camel lights fixed him right up.

The sidewalk parade went on all night. The ratio of transvestites and schoolgirls was about 50/50. Some were more intriguing than others. One of my first customers was a “girl” in a ballerina fat suit and Britney makeup. His chin whiskers gave the outfit the perfect touch of white trash. Dracula and Skeletor waited outside.

For lunch, I walked over to the sorta-Paranormal party KUFO was throwing at Dante’s. It was early, and not much of a crowd yet. A large gentleman in a Smoochknob jersey with hair redder than mine let me pass through the door. When I asked about a cover charge, his response led me to believe it might be the infamous Marconi. It was his voice.

A Verizon Guy (“Can you hear me now?”) belted out a karaoke song as I roamed the bar. I like putting names to faces, and was looking for Cort and Fatboy, since I listen to them the most. I’ve met Cort, but didn’t see him or a Danny DeVito lookalike, as Fatboy has been described. The Verizon Guy finished his song. (“I can’t hear you now!”) A young lady began singing Foreigner’s ‘Cold as Ice’, and I felt compelled to run away.

Outside, a cop car had an SUV stopped in Dante’s parking lot. The driver (who resembled Danny DeVito) was being hassled for something. Was Fatboy caught having an attitude adjustment in the parking lot? If so, it didn’t amount to much, because he was on-air when I got back to the store.

I spent the rest of lunch at the Upscale Mall, which was quiet. I did see a bunch of naughty schoolgirl types, dressed in outfits more typical of a Hustler spread than a Catholic school. Security guard Darrell and I exchanged nods and smiles. It’s good to work on Halloween.

I’d hoped to see Clairissa and her wife. Their costume? Yellow and black horizontal-striped tights, wings, antennae. Two letter Ds on the right leg, and the word Boo! on the left. What were they?

Double D Boo Bees.

But, as I’ve mentioned several times, Clairissa already has those. And since they’ve stopped drinking, they faced less temptation by hanging out at home, watching House of 1,000 Corpses and encouraging tooth rot in youngsters.

I was only trick-or-treated once. A little boy, stuck in a hotel, was escorted into the store by his mom. All I had was my oft-mentioned bag of Werther’s. I said, “Here you go, but be careful.” He smiled and thanked me.

“But, sir, why do I have to be careful?”

I looked at his mom, who was smiling from his cuteness, or else she got the creepy joke. “They’re small and hard, and I wouldn’t want you to choke.”

“Oh!” He was delighted. I told mom how to get to Lloyd Center, which advertises safe candy distribution.

Swiss Miss came in, requesting a pack of Camel lights. She looked familiar, but I had to be sure. “What’s your birthday?”

“Same as your sister’s!” It’s our little code, so I don’t have to repeatedly card her.

“I thought so. I’ve never seen you as a blond before.”

She smiled. “Yeah, my eyebrows don’t match, though.”

“That’s cool,” I said with a leer. “It makes the mind wander, leading to the age old question…”

She got my drift, and gave a forgiving smirk/smile. “The eyebrows are the true color, honey.”

Oh, for a cold shower.

Near the end, the aforementioned trio, Little Red Riding Hood, a Caveman and Godzilla came in. Caveman looked like, well, a cave man. Little Red Riding Hood had on long white thigh-high stockings and a short, short red dress. Caveman pulled the dress down so I couldn’t see the speckled white panties nestled in her butt-crack.

I wanted to confiscate his club and beat him senseless with it, but was distracted by the sight of Godzilla.

He wore a small dinosaur costume over, well, not much. The outfit covered his head, and hung down like a backpack. The rest? A matching lime-green Speedo. And yes, he was built like a monster. Reluctantly, I awarded him most daring costume of the night.

By the end of the night, I was glad Halloween was over. People were getting drunk and obnoxious. I hurried home, and was glad to see no pumpkins thrown through the windows, and the house hadn’t been egged or TPed.

And I still have half a baggie of Werther’s. I’m keeping an eye out for Swiss Miss…

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