What’s that smell?

November 6, 2007 at 2:12 am (Cussed Dumbers)

While I was off for the weekend, a bunch of shit came down at work. It will be infamously remembered as Fecal Friday.

Dr T worked the day shift at my store Friday. He was supposed to be in China by now, but a series of events postponed his departure. So he’s been bopping between stores, picking up odd shifts to supplement his full schedule. I stopped by on my way to a haircut, to use the bathroom and grab a fountain drink. Dr T was his usual charming self. I asked, “How’s it going?”

“It’s been a shitty day.”

“More so than usual?”

“I’d say,” he deadpanned. “I had an old bum lose control of his bodily functions earlier.”

“What? He wet his pants?”

“No,” Dr T said. “This old guy I’d not seen before came in, got this funny look on his face, and cut loose. When I went around the counter to run him off, I stepped in it.”

“Eww!” I couldn’t help chuckling.

“You’re laughing at me, not with me, aren’t you?”

“A little of both,” I confessed. I went to the bathroom.

When I came out, Aire (short for Artist In Residence Extraordinaire) came up to me. “Hey mister, did you hear about Dr T?”

I broke out my Cartman impersonation. “Now that’s what I call a sticky situation!”

Aire, looking disgusted, said, “Man, it was the worst. Master P came in right after it happened. When we told him what happened, he just said, ‘ Hmm, must be one of the mayor’s friends!’ Then he just left! I couldn’t believe it.”

“What could he do?”

Aire said, “He could have asked if he was all right. I think if that happened to me, I’d have broken something on the way down.”

Aire was way too passionate about this, so I went up to Dr T. “So, in the words of Frank Zappa, didja get any on ya?”

“Couldn’t much help it son. I landed right in it.”

“You fell?”

“And how!”

“Oh crap. Sorry.” Then I started laughing again. “Now I’m definitely laughing at you!”

“I’ll find it a lot funnier a week or two from now.”

I had places to go and things to do, so I split. But not before advising Dt T to watch where he stepped.

Today when I got to work, I noticed a peculiar smell. It was kind of like pine trees and coconuts. I was working with two guys not usually at my store. One of them must have overdone it on the cologne. Since last weekend was payday, they were probably hiding hangovers.

Except when they went away, the aroma didn’t. I was alone for about ten minutes when one of them came back from hauling out the garbage. “What the fuck is that smell?”

Kim was clueless. “I’ve been smelling it all day.”

I noticed a pine tree air-freshener sitting on the other cash register. “What the hell?” I handed it to Kim, with instructions to deposit it in the dumpster. Problem solved.

The pine scent disappeared, but I could still smell pina coladas. I pulled the garbage bag out, looking for the rotting coconut. Kim said, “Looking for this?” He pointed. It was hanging right behind my head. A coconut-pineapple scented tree.

I marched it to the dumpster myself.

Grinder came back from the main office. “What’s with all the car fresheners?” I asked.

“Dr T had some guy-”

“Ohhhh… Never mind. Now it all makes sense.”

“Yes, it made all kind of scents all right!” Grinder laughed himself into the office, proud of his pun.

The torture of Dr T continues. Aire has Photoshopped a Slip n Slide ad, and it’s making the rounds at work. And the next time I see Dr T, what Zappa song will I be singing?

Brown Shoes Don’t Make It.

Perhaps Paul Simon would be more appropriate. “You know the nearer your destination the more you’re slip-slidin’ away…”

I’m glad he’s a good sport…

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1 Comment

  1. gee-no said,

    A R O M A T H E R A P O O …….. ( 8v O*

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