Terrifying Reminders

November 27, 2007 at 1:40 pm (Sweet sticky things)

The other day there was a rare moment at my house. Everyone was up and milling around at the same time! Since the adults work different schedules at all hours of the day, and the kids monitor (within reason) their own sleep patterns, it doesn’t happen often.

I was wearing the usual middle-of-the-night outfit, a tee shirt and an old pair of cutoff sweats. The sweats haven’t worn through, but are obviously paper thin. A four-legged family member reminded me.

“Get your GODDAMN NOSE out of my asshole!” I felt the cold nose prodding my backside. I spun around, confronting the dog. My sister and nephew were standing there, staring and trying not to laugh. The dog had a quizzical expression. “It isn’t yours!”

My sister smiled, and the nephew looked perplexed. What the hell, he’s almost fourteen. Time for a little life lesson.

“You know why dogs go around sniffing each other’s butts, don’t you?”

“No…” he replied, in that not-sure-I-want-to-know tone.

“A long time ago,” I explained, “there was a big party where all the dogs in the world got together. Since the owner of the house and the host dog wouldn’t tolerate multiple doggy messes, it was agreed that all the dogs would check their assholes at the door. They did, everything was going fine, when somehow a fire broke out! In their hurry to leave, the dogs just grabbed any asshole on the way out. So now, whenever a dog meets another dog, he gives a sniff to see if the other dog has his asshole.”

My nephew rolled his eyes. “Eww…”

“Makes you wonder what would happen if they found theirs,” Sister said.

“There’s been many a dogfight over a sniffed butt, I imagine.”

My niece, the smart one, heard the word ‘asshole’ and went to the other side of the room. She’s not partial to cussing.

“At least it wasn’t the cow story.” Sister gave me the look, the one that says I know you want to tell the story, so go ahead.

“What’s the cow story?” Nephew asked, against his better judgment.

“Back when your mom was about six or so, we were discussing hot dogs, and how they use all the parts of the cow in them. Of course she didn’t believe me, as I pulled her leg quite a bit in those days. When I insisted, she asked, ‘What about the assholes? They don’t use cow’s assholes!’

“But of course they do, I told her. Have you ever looked at the ends of hot dogs?”

“What did mom say?”

“‘Wow, that’s a lot of cows!’ To which I said, ‘Yeah, but what else are you gonna do with ’em?’ She believed it for the better part of the day!”

Sis said, “I still feel a little weird when I eat hot dogs…”

Figuring the conversation had devolved enough, I excused myself. Later, as I was ready to leave, I gave my niece a hug and noticed something I hadn’t seen in a couple of months. With her zeal to get Christmas stuff up, one thing left over from Halloween stood out.

A tiny jack-o-lantern with a painted-on face that resembled Spongebob Squarepants. It gave me one of those ‘I’m such a lucky guy’ moments.

A couple of months back, early into the Halloween season, I was shopping with a certain girl I spend time with. We came across the display of $3 pumpkin heads, pre-decorated. I wanted a plain one, but even they cost $3. I wanted it for my niece, but borrowed a line from my friend that she uses when her kids want something frivolous. “I don’t love her that much!”

After my friend dropped me off at home, I put all the groceries away. Or so I thought. Somehow, while they were ringing up her groceries, she’d managed to buy the Spongebob pumpkin and smuggle it into my grocery bag. I presented it to my niece, who was ecstatic. It made her whole weekend.

I was surprised to see it still intact. The one niece had carved has decomposed into a mold-infused ant colony in a flower bed. (Hey, it keeps them outside!) Spongebob sits on a shelf next to the TV, and I get a warm, fuzzy rush every time I see it.

Whether it’s the end of an Oscar Meyer, a jack-o-lantern face, or a cold doggy nose in an unmentionable place, I have these reminders all around.

Warm memories can come from the wackiest places!

1 Comment

  1. gee-no said,


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