Green-Eyed Monster Redux

December 11, 2007 at 12:55 pm (Drunk and disorderly, Sweet sticky things)

I’m not typically jealous, but I do get that way. It strikes at odd times, with varying intensity. Typical male? Maybe. I try to keep it in check, but sometimes it gets away from me.

This morning I was sleeping away, in that gray area right before wake-up time, when the dreams are most vivid. I was having breakfast with a certain someone I’ve been romantically involved with. As she buttered toast she gave me an evil grin and said, “I have a confession. Last night I met this hunky beast of a man, we had a couple drinks and then had fun in the coat room.” She was sporting a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile, and looking for a reaction.

I gave a poker-faced “Cool!” with feigned enthusiasm, but before I could formulate a reaction (“Down OJ! Down!”) I woke up.

Aughh! I hate this! I handle jealousy just fine in the real world, but my subconscious? Not so much. I’ve braced myself for if and when this person moves on romantically, and though I dread the day, I will take it like a man and wish her well.

That doesn’t mean I’m gonna like it.

So I laid there awake, pissed off that my day was starting off in such a negative way. But I still had an hour or so of sleep time, so I rationalized as I tried to fall asleep. Soon I was picturing myself as Borat, marching around naked, saying “King in the castle! King in the castle!” I giggled off into REM sleep.

Then I was at work, ringing up a customer when I see a repeat-offender wine thief stuffing a bottle down his pants. I put down the bottle of vitamin water or whatever product I was holding and walked away mid-sale toward the perp. “OG!” I yelled. I pushed him into the porno rack. (Actually, in the dream, some kind soul had moved the porno rack. Thanks, Grinder. It makes clean-up so much easier…) I knocked him to the ground, took the bottle of wine out of his pants and began smacking him repeatedly about the head and upper body. “You want free wine? Here’s your free wine!” I clubbed him over the head with it a couple times, then kicked him in the ass as he ran for the door. Customers applauded politely, like we were at the symphony.

Then the phone rang and I woke up. Dang! Where was the phone during the first dream?

Needless to say, it’s been a wild ride in my head already today. Wine thieves beware! I’m packin’ attitude. As for the young lady I’m dreaming about, I’m going to do something nice for her, next chance I get.

Anybody know of a nice, semi-secluded coat room?

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