Happy effing Valentine’s Day!

February 10, 2008 at 6:10 pm (Sweet sticky things)

Is it oxymoronic to have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day?

To be clear, I like Valentine’s Day. Sure, it’s a Hallmark Holiday, meant to capitalize upon the guilt of rogue husbands and boyfriends everywhere. But it encourages romance, and I’m all for that. Because, despite all my tough talk and perverse mind-dwellings, I am a romantic at heart.

The holiday has been clouded over the years. My ex-wife found Valentine’s Day stupid. Someone I loved dearly attempted suicide because of it. A few years back, I was head-over-heels about a girl, and went all out trying to impress her with hair makeover, suit, tie and flowers, etc… It failed miserably. But I had a nice haircut to show for it, and I met Clairissa. So it was worth it.

One Valentine’s Day, I had asked for the day off, but was refused. So I made the best of the situation. Somehow several shots of gin got mixed in with my morning coffee, and I ended up making out with a lady who’d just gotten out of prison. I had fresh hickeys all over. When my boss’s wife dropped by to say hello, I was a bit nervous, but she just winked and told me not to “have too much fun.”

The last few years I’ve been off the hook, so to speak. I was in a relationship with a girl, and she wasn’t concerned if I did or didn’t observe or celebrate. When I’ve got a crush on a girl, every day is Valentine’s Day, so I had a pass. She still got Valentine attention, but I didn’t spend money to do so.

It’s the money part that gets me. I see ads everywhere. “Show her how much you love her!” “Buy her a diamond shaped like a donkey so she’ll remember what an ass you are!” “Only two months salary and she’ll know you’ll love her forever!”


I know a girl who once told me in a drunken moment, “The next guy I fuck is gonna need a truck, a house and a diamond ring.” She was serious. I wasn’t sure if the guy was supposed to give her these things, or just own them. Either way, I’m only a third of the way there, and don’t see a truck or a diamond ring in my near future. (Or hers either.) If it’s my assets you covet, you really are a low-baller.

And will a $200 brooch help, in the grand scheme of things? If not buying Cupid jewelry is going to put you in the doghouse, your relationship needs more than help. It needs life-support.

I’ve been officially single for almost a year now. I miss a lot of the relationship stuff. I miss the goodnight e-mails. I miss sneaking in to her house in the middle of the week and making the bed. I miss being able to call, just because I want to.

But… I’m doing okay. I’m not contemplating any drastic declarations of love, and not heartbroken because I don’t have a girlfriend. I have several friends who are girls, and all give me many kinds of love in different ways. The official ‘girlfriend’? It’s not a position to be filled, it’s something that happens. I learned a long time ago I don’t need a girlfriend to be complete.

A couple of girls will get Valentines this week. It’s already done, and didn’t cost a thing. One special girl is going to get a card or a present. My special Valentine. My niece. She just turned ten, and for the last three years she has made a point of leaving a nice Valentine on my desk. Reciprocation is in order…

And honestly? I have way too much money in the bank this week. I don’t need Cupid coming along and messing up my bottom line…

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