A Time for Change…

April 1, 2008 at 12:01 am (Sweet sticky things, That's not funny...)

Well folks, it’s been a whole year. I started this blog four seasons ago. It’s been a fun ride, but now I need to direct my energies elsewhere.

Change can be good. I hope so, because I’m about to embark on a BIG one…

Regular readers know how fond I am of my barber, Clairissa. We’ve become close over time, and have decided we want to have a baby. Well, two babies. This is where it gets complicated.

Clairissa is a dyed-in-the-wool lesbian. (In more ways than one, heh.) I’ve always considered myself a hetero male, but when love conquers all, one must make sacrifices.

I’ve decided to have an operation. We’ve been surreptitiously saving and planning, and I will be sexually reassigned in Bangkok sometime this summer. After that, we will start a family.

Clairissa having a baby will be no big deal. I’d kind of hoped to knock her up the old-fashioned way. But for us to have kids at the same time I’d have to be reassigned and healed up, so it looks like a turkey baster for the both of us. We will store a few pints of my baby-batter for when the time is right. (If it’s a sterile turkey baster, will it still work?) We want the kids to be true twin sons of different mothers.

I still need to lose a few pounds, to accommodate the uterus transplant. I may have to lose a kidney or something to make room. I’m letting Clairissa and the doctor figure this one out; I don’t want to know, just make it happen!

It won’t be all fun and games. *Certain things* will have to go, things I’ve been quite attached to. But I do it in the spirit of love, and besides, it won’t be the first time I’ve had a meaty appendage removed this year.

It will take some getting used to. I’m nearing fifty years old, so my biological clock is ticking. I figure I can pop out a kid, hurry the hell up with menopause and become one of those happy dykes wandering the countryside in a Winnebago. Clairissa will continue working, because she’s young. I’ll be the femme, although probably not too much so. The beard will have to go, so I will probably look like a buzz-cut redheaded version of Rosie O’Donnell.

I’ll probably have to shave my boobs. (Probably every other day. That will get old.) On the flip side, if a guy grabs my ass, the right-cross he receives will be more than he expected from the average chubby middle-aged lady! Pow! Right in the kisser!

Since hormone treatment starts soon, I have to get busy making some babies. I’ve got three jars in the freezer already. Implementing it should be interesting; it will bring a whole new meaning to the term ‘go fuck yourself’.

So, ladies and germs, it’s adios for now. I’ve had a lot of fun here, so don’t be surprised if a gal named Charlotte with a similar sense of humor resurfaces somewhere down the line. Just think of all the wacky kid-and-cat stories I’ll have to tell!

Now, come here and get your mommy-hug…

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