Mr Sluggo and the Iron Thumb

May 22, 2008 at 12:00 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Upon arriving home the other night, I received an e-mail from a co-worker. That’s not unusual; I’m sort of an elder statesman amongst the common workers. Instead of waking one of the bosses in the middle of the night, they will ask my opinion first.

Art East has been with the company a couple of years, and is held in high esteem by all. (Except maybe Master P. I think Art reminds him too much of Woody Guthrie.) He’s a conscientious worker, honest and reliable. He’s also funny as hell, which makes me want to keep him around.

Here’s the e-mail:

> Hey !
>
> Okay, this really sucks….
>
> I was trying to open the window side register ( for Chuckles ) per usual way, so Chuckles could ring people up as I had Z-ed out.
>
> Well, the arrow wasn’t responding to my index finger, so I tried using my thumb because the arrow seemed to
> respond slightly more. And as I pressed a little firmer it responded a little more, but it still wouldn’t open per usual way.
>
> I tried again with my thumb and then it spider webbed under my thumb and cracked.
>
> The way it looks is as if I had taken a hammer to the screen, which makes me look like I did so maliciously,
> which I didn’t, Chuckles was there and I’m not sure if he saw the whole thing go down, but he did respond to the
> noise the screen made as it caved. Which sounded a lot worse than it really was.
>
> Now I’m worried they are going to think I went ballistic on it.
>
> I left Rio a note basically explaining what I just wrote.
>
> Should I be worried?
>
> Any advice?
>
> Thanks,
>
>Art

I called Chuckles and got his version. Chuckles told pretty much the same story, so I replied to Art:

>Why can’t you just bust the phone like all the other hostile drunks down there?
>
>I would be afraid, very afraid. With the screen broken, there’s no way to control the already-high prices. “$12 for fucking Pall Malls?”
>
>I would say that Jabberjaw was there, Milei bent over in front of him, and he shot such a wad it shattered the screen!
>
>For a sixer of Milwaukie’s Beast, you could probably get a gutter punk to steal it…
>
>Okay, I’ve had my fun. I would not worry a bit. Just tell them what happened. And if they bitch, just start singing the  Stones song. You know, >”Under my thumb…”
>
>Relax. Call Whitney in the morning when you get up and explain. It’s not like shit ever breaks down.
..

Then, in the morning I followed up:

>Hola!
>
>Just curious how the conversation went with the “authorities” this AM.? I >talked to Chuckles for a while last night, trying to get him to adjust his >memory a little. He was under the impression that you punched the screen.

> I told him you often ring things up by using the knuckle of your middle >finger, etc… If that helps.
>
>Almost time to head that way. Have a good one there, Punchy…

Punchy the Firestarter. Has a ring to it. See, the last big fire at the Mothership happened when Art’s cash register went up in smoke. No one knows why. But Punchy sounds like a drinker, or the boxer from Pulp Fiction. Hmm… A good nickname is priceless, so I will dwell on it some more.

Upon arriving at work, nothing was said. I let it ride a while, then asked my co-worker, “Anybody hear what happened to Art?”

“OH…MY…God!” She told me the story, but in typical workplace fashion the tale had grown. Art had thrown a fit ‘cuz he was pissed at Chuckles, the monitor was in pieces, etc… I just smiled and nodded. I would get the official story from the top. Grinder had left early because of a toothache. I checked my watch. The vodka and vicodin should be working its magic. I gave him a call.

Grinder was in fine form, laughing and joking waaaay too much for having an infected molar, but having just enough fun for my purposes. After small talk, I asked about Art.

“Well, considering all the stuff that’s been broken lately, we assume it was caused by a certain meatball who no longer works there. Let’s see, he broke the phone, he kicked in the office door, would it surprise you if he’d punched the monitor when unable to control himself?”

We recently fired a guy with alcohol and violent temper problems. This bode well for Art! We got into more trouble for not calling Whitney, who enjoys being awoke with these kinds of emergencies. Grinder? Bear with a toothache, bear with a toothache…

So, last I heard, Art still has a job. Although, we’ve decided he will have to work day shift during the Grand Floral Parade, and we will turn the air-conditioning off just for him. And since Chuckles was his accomplice? They can work together!

Maybe we’ll put Jabberjaw with them so they don’t get lonely…

Regarding the nickname, after seeing the monitor, I thought of Mister Bill, and his facial reaction whenever he’d see Mister Sluggo. That’s what the monitor looks like.

Brace yourself for some extreme emotional torture, Mister Sluggo…

1 Comment

  1. gee-no said,

    ……………oh.noo
    ……..oh.no.oh.nooo
    …..oh.no.oh.no.ohno
    ….|…../……………..\…….|
    ….|……@………..@……|
    ….|…………..o…………..|
    …..\………………………../
    …….\……..(.O.)………/
    ……….\………………./
    …..#############
    #################
    ##################

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