First Face of the Morning

June 17, 2008 at 12:20 pm (The Easy Chair)

Over the years, I figure I’ve spent about half the time sleeping next to someone. I don’t have a problem sleeping alone, and am thoughtful and considerate when I do have company. (Example: only two Dutch ovens in my 47 years. That I remember…)

Lately I’ve been flashing back to the last girl I spent frequent bedtime with. Not, piny whiny stuff, just missing the contact, the cuddling, the ‘first thing in the morning’ smiles. Of course, I miss the Saturday afternoon jump-between-the-sheets, wearing nothing but a smile and maybe a sheen of perspiration moments too. (We fit together like Legos.) Lately though, there’s tumbleweeds on the left side of the bed, and I hug my pillow for companionship. And who am I waking up to now?

Kathy Lee Gifford.

That’s what happens when I am awakened before eleven AM. I am a night owl. I go to bed about 4 AM, and get up a little before noon. Since the rest of the world won’t bend to my schedule, I make do. I put up with the teenagers calling for my teenagers, the mariachi music across the street, the slamming of the garbage truck. I nod in and out, and sleep without too much trouble. But I have to get up eventually, and if I squint hard enough to read the clock, I’m usually awake for a while. So I have a system. I leave the TV on, and gauge the time by whose face I’m seeing.

But why Kathy Lee Gifford? By default, she’s the lesser of all evils.

Kathy Lee is now a co-host on the eighteenth hour of the Today Show. (Does it never end?) I used to hate her on Live with Regis. When she branched off of that, did the talk show circuit and proved she could be more than an annoying cu- cu- country song, I relaxed my attitude. Sure she’s brash and abrasive, but not if you don’t listen to her. Thank you, mute button!

Aren’t there other options? Of course. Martha Stewart? I see her and feel compelled to clean my room. I don’t want to wake to my sixth-grade school teacher.

The View? Once upon a time, I was a regular viewer. I’ve always had a crush on Meredith Vieira, despite the fact she looks like my older sister. When she went away, (damn you, Today Show!) I was stuck with Millionaire reruns once a week. I know someone who has her Playboy issue, but he won’t loan it to me. Some things are sacred, I guess.

The rest of The View gals? Barbara Walters is like my cool, well-traveled aunt. (She used to be on the Today Show.) Joy Behar? She’s funny, but too much like one of my Mom’s friends. Mom didn’t hang with many MILFs. Rosie O’Donnell? Y’all know how I feel about dykes. She can wake me with laughter any time. Whoopi’s cool, but she can’t overpower the annoying factor of Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Republican harpy shrew, Wm. Steven Humphrey once called her. That’s being nice.

Star Jones? I’m saving her for a special post, once I finish reading Barbara Walters’ Auditions. (I’m 188th on the list at the library.) She’s such a piece of work, I want to do something special…

What got me started with the ‘who’s gonna be my lucky charm first-face-of-the-day’ thing? Pat Robertson.

I usually fall asleep watching Fox 12 News, and if I don’t wake up and change the channel to KGW, I see his droopy-lidded tongue-talking mug and it casts a pall on my whole day. While I have nothing against God, I have plenty against religion, and I smell snake oil every time I look at that guy. If he’s the first thing I see in the morning, I have to try to go back to sleep. I just can’t start my day that way.

In a perfect world, where I sleep until after eleven AM? I wake to the perky smile of Kelly Ripa. She’s the perfect anti-thesis to Kathy Lee. Her ear-to-ear grins and compulsive leg-crossing? That’s what I’m talkin’ about! She’s fun-loving, vivacious, and any girl who takes shots of liquor during the cooking segments has my vote for First Face of the Morning. I don’t need the mute button when she’s on-screen.

Does anyone know where I can buy a pillow with a soft, curvy ass? I’d be set…

1 Comment

  1. gee-no said,

    Frank Gifford wants to spoon…….
    */ blink blink

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