I hereby dub thee…

March 7, 2009 at 2:22 pm (Cussed Dumbers)


He’s an older guy, with mental issues and extreme drug issues. We call him that because of his mincing steps. He paces tippy-toed up and down the avenue, panhandling and talking to himself. He’s harmless, so far…

What, you think only my co-workers get the cool nicknames? Au contraire!

Fair warning: Some upcoming content can be considered offensive, due to its racial and cultural insensitivity. Decidedly un-PC.

In other words, business as usual!

The advent of the credit card has made it much easier for cashiers to personalize their customer service. I’ve been able to ‘recognize’ celebrities that would have gone under the radar otherwise. It helps when a person is a problem child; if you call them by name it dawns on them that I could just tell the cops that, and doink, probation revoked! Great behavioral tool. This is not about them so much, but the other interesting types, the ones who don’t use credit cards. We have to call them something, and coming up with the perfect nickname is a great passtime.

Dr T is one of my biggest partners-in-crime, as is Art East. (Not their real names either, BTW. All mine!) Dr T came up with Lesbro for me, after my birthday blowout with Clairissa last year. (Along with all the other adventures. He’s going to miss her as much as I, he says. I need to find a new muse, but I digress.) Art provides input; I drop the names on him, and if I get a good reaction I go with it.

Recently budgetary issues have forced Master P to make some changes. He’s let some people go, including Chuckles and Eeyore. Chuckles is nicknamed for his effervescent, outgoing personality. (NOT.) Eeyore came across his nickname through Dr T. I was going to call him Stench. (Or Droopy Dog, but we already have a customer owning that one.) When Dr T came up with Eeyore, it was an immediate keeper. Not only did the down-in-the-dumps demeanor fit, he tended to smell like ass. Win-win!

Bus people have been discussed here before, but this isn’t about aroma. However, it reminded me of two other folks I share a work commute with. One old guy rolls pipe tobacco, reads the bible aloud and grinds his teeth. He looks like an unwashed R. Crumb. My favorite driver calls him Sour Balls. Bus security has an Asian fellow, he’s young and quiet. The way he curls his lower lip inward and juts his jaw out has resulted in him being dubbed Sring Brade.

Of course we have Major Nelson. And Dr Bellows, for the way he clears trains with his voice. One TriMet security guard tells the world that since he was raised with five sisters, all he needs are tampons to be an honorary girl. We call him Stringer. There’s another one called Turd-Tapper. Origins of this one escape me.

The real treasure trove of material comes from customers, or former customers. One guy we call Clacky, because his dentures tend to fly out of his mouth when he talks. (They seem to be planning an escape the rest of the time.) He’s a nice old guy. We sell him his one can of beer and he’s gone for a month.

Others are named for physical maladies. One old guy resembles basketball hero Bill Russell. He’s about 6’7″, 120 pounds and walks with a hunch. We call him Skeletor. He runs frequently with an old crack enthusiast we call Chicken Gumbo. She is 51 years old, but when you ask for ID she removes her wig. (“I’m 68 years old!”) She has a pointy nose, and no teeth. She frequently announces to the world that because of her dental state she gives the world’s best blowjobs. One night she approached the graveyard guy, flashed her pussy at him and demanded five dollars for a Happy Meal. It put him off his…

Others are known for even less honorable reasons. One fellow, again a nice quiet fellow, had the misfortune of having his picture pop up on a sex-offender website that we frequent. (As observers, not participants, TYVM!) He comes in and buys puzzle books all the time, and we give him lottery pencils sans erasers. He’s done time for bestiality. Since the website doesn’t specify what kind of animal he molested, we have dubbed him The Chicken Fucker, assuming he’s really into peckers.

Some fall into categories, like The Light Bulb Gang. These fellows have been so-named for the shapes of their heads. They have large, bulb-like craniums and missing front teeth. There are three African American males and one Caucasian male.

So we have:

25-Watt Leroy- Short, bulbous head, no front teeth. Drags around a pull-cart and steals porno.

40-Watt Leroy- Medium height, bulbous head, no front teeth. Skinny, looks like a trashed Chris Rock. He’s a car thief who once tried stealing a case of Top Ramen. Not the brightest bulb.

60-Watt Leroy- Six feet tall, bulbous head, no front teeth. Clumps up and down the avenue, hustling. Came in begging for matches 15-20 times a day until we caught him stealing. He wishes I’d hurry up and get fired already.

Larry the Lightbulb-
The original “Lightbulb”! This guy is a prize. He looks like Mick Fleetwood on speedballs. He would come into the store, gaze the porno and then run away with the images in his head. (It happens more than one would assume.) I once watched him sit next to a girl on the bus and get so aroused that he had to jump off the bus and begin masturbating at the bus stop. When I saw him go away for a sex crime a while back, I was relieved. But as I told Raven about him the other day, she finished his description, telling me that he’d approached her at the trolley stop and exposed himself to her. (She left before he got too, um, into his performance.) Sure enough, he was picked up on a US Marshal’s hold the other day.

Which brings me to the nickname of the week, credited to Art East.

There’s a fellow of diminished mental capacity who is also into the drug scene. (aka Crackhead!) He’s been caught stealing porno, and has a penchant for stealing centerfolds, which is much harder than just boosting the whole magazine. He’s African American, wears a big puffy blue jacket and sideways ballcap. He’s husky and has a short beard. Art calls him the Retarded Ice Cube.

Before I made the actor/slash/rapper connection, I wondered how fucking dumb one would have to be to outdim a retarded ice cube.

I love having a job that’s an endless source of amusement!



1 Comment

  1. aRtEaSt said,

    Takin’ the short bus to the east side-
    Shiny yellow caged windows-don’t you diss my ride-
    All the honeys point and smile when they see me roll by-
    Got’s the seat to myself cuz I’m so fly-
    When you see the flashin’ lights it ain’t the Po Po-
    It’s just stoppin’ front my crib at the curb Yo Yo.

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