Raisin Hell

August 20, 2010 at 1:13 pm (The Easy Chair)

I’m an adventurous eater, and will try almost anything once. BUT, there are two foods with which I just cannot abide. Sweet potatoes/yams, and raisins.

Especially raisins.

It dates back to childhood. I’ve hated raisins for as long as I can remember. My mother blamed my older brother for this hatred. I’m not so sure. She thinks he told me that raisins were dead flies, and while he may have, that would not have put me off if raisins actually tasted good. I don’t know why I hate raisins, I just do. Everybody has to have something to hate, right? Nothing fucks up a perfectly good carrot cake like a little sour glob of yuck. I can almost tolerate them in oatmeal cookies, if they are ground into tiny, unrecognizable bits. (What’s wrong with chocolate chips? They’re brown, and taste way better…) I’d give yams equal billing, but Screen Door’s chicken & sweet potato waffles are teh yum, so by default raisins are my number-one hated food.

There may be some truth to the dead fly thing. I was the resident assassin of all things insect during childhood. Living in the country, our house hosted any number of unwelcome critters, and flies were prolific. I was a fly-swatting machine. (I looked to make one million kills before I turned thirteen, but lost count along the way.) I loved it when a bee got into the house; I could swat them in mid-air. It was like facing Gaylord Perry’s knuckleball. It might be… it could be… it is! A HOME RUN! Great for hand/eye coordination.

I’ve been pretty much alone in my distaste for shriveled up grapes. After a recent rant, Art East confessed that he too is less than fond of raisins. He’s been racked up with a knee injury, thus having more time to work on projects of an amusing nature. He sent me this GIF, a teaser of things to come. He used footage from forest fires and several public-domain images of raisins to create the raisin army. Notice the shields the Raisin Army are carrying? Muffin tops. I want to put the image on a tee shirt. He’s promised to finish a short animated film, featuring an appearance from a 1974 Ford Pinto. Can you smell what the Rock is cookin’?

I want to thank Art for making me hate raisins just a little less. It was a labor of love, plus he got this added bonus when he Google image-searched “muffin tops”



  1. Ray Zinn said,

    Pardon me, butt doo you have any grape poop on?

  2. Jesus Christ the thurd said,

    This post is getting kinda wrinkly…..like a raisin.

    Please post something soon.

    Your faithful readers await.

    *that is all, so sayeth the lord*


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