I Could Cut A Bitch…

October 6, 2010 at 2:45 am (Cussed Dumbers)

But I likely won’t.

I’ve had a particular folding knife almost as long as I've worked at Master P's. It came out of a found purse. The Porno Queen kept all of the prescription-pill bottles and left me with a tiny fighting knife. I use it to carve up apples and oranges on my lunch break. "Fruits and nuts," I say with a scowl.

Over time, the tiny screws holding the sides in place had worked themselves out. I'd switched them around until there were no more spares.

"See if Steel Rod will fix it," said Dr T.

Steel Rod was just plain Rod until a new type of Boner Pill came out. As we were stocking them, Rod happened to walk in. "Well, I guess I know what we'll be calling you," I said.

His face colored up as if he were ready to retort and thought better of it. He turned and walked out the door without a word.

Yikes. He's a kindred spirit of Dr T and I, and I thought his sense of humor was as tough as his new nickname. I began formulating an apology. Besides meaning no offense, I didn't want to scare off a paying customer.

When Steel Rod finally returned, I apologized for any misunderstanding. He laughed. "You know what happened? When you showed me the package it caught me off guard, and I got spittle caught in my throat. I had to go outside for a coughing fit. I probably should have explained."

"So, we cool?"

"We cool."

The other day, as I finished my rolling fruit basket, Steel Rod came in. I bitched about my knife, told him I had a screw loose, and asked if he could help?

"It's no news flash you've got a screw loose," he agreed. "Give it here."

An hour later Steel Rod returned and handed me the knife. He’d riveted the sides and replaced all the screws. It was clean, sharpened, and he'd even filed down the bent tip. It wouldn't cut me from two different directions.

"Wow, it's never been so clean."

"I used ammonia."

"I thought it smelled like a-… hi there!" A lady customer had sauntered up behind him. Our conversation turned instant Disney.

After five years, my el cheapo roadkill blade is still riding strong. I’m no samurai, but it comes in handy in tense situations. I’ve had it in hand when walking past a pack of gutter punks at 1 AM but I’ve not had to brandish it. My neighborhood is quieter these days.

I may not cut a bitch, but I will kill off this apple…

1 Comment

  1. Royal Foreskin Coin Purse said,

    What’s the deal with ‘Piss Hard-On’s?’ Why do they happen? Is nature mocking me?

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