Trick of the Light

October 26, 2010 at 10:13 am (Drunk and disorderly, The Easy Chair)

Ah, Halloween week. Every day is Halloween in my world. (Freaky people, candy, mischief.) This morning was in keeping with the holiday spirit.

First trick? I stepped out of my room into the hallway and directly into a puddle of cat puke. Yum yum! If I didn’t love the fucking cats so much I’d have taken them for a long walk in Chinatown. Instead I cleaned it up while looking for guilty behavior. They were sporting poker faces and, as Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap once said, “You can’t dust for vomit.” Let it go.

Shaving wasn’t without incident. I nicked something at throat level, leaving a blood-red hickey stain. Maybe It’ll help slut up my reputation. Hope it washes off in the shower.

Under the water, I noticed something big and black trying to escape the tub. Spider! I love my arachnid cousins, and spare them when I can. (Within reason: If they crawl into bed with me, they die. Otherwise I try to relocate.) Not willing to puddle up the floor and have extra cleaning, I held a towel near and he crawled onto it. I deposited him behind the sink, where he can hang with the small group of daddy long-legs. Don’t press your luck, Spidey.

The clouds parted, and a sunbeam shined through the bathroom window. I held my head under the water, and had a flash of fear. It looked like blood was pouring from my head. But when it hit the drain, instead of a grisly Psycho sequence it was just plain water. ??? Durrr… A long strand of hair combined with sunlight made it look like I’d severed an artery in my forehead. That’ll kickstart the heart.

As I dried off, I saw my spider friend again. Instead of behaving and staying out of sight, he was crawling up my niece’s shampoo bottle. Dude…

I grabbed an empty toilet paper roll and covered him. When he’d attached to the inside, I walked him over to the toilet. Bon voyage! Sorry dude, but the 12-year-old girl trumps you in this world.

Life normalized after I got to work, but Dr T eyed me suspiciously when I told him of the bloody shower hallucination. I responded to his cocked eyebrow with a “No I haven’t been drinking…”

Blood, spiders and hallucinations. All while sober. So much for better living through chemistry.

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