Hail Santa! Uh…

December 21, 2010 at 12:45 pm (Waxing Nostalgic)

When I was a kid, Christmas was forbidden at our house. While fellow students made construction-paper Santas and sang carols, I was “allowed” to read and do extra-credit work at the library. (Santa *is* Satan spelled sideways.) When someone wished me “Merry Christmas,” I was told to give a cute little speech telling the well-wisher how Jehovah will reign down with fury on their unsuspecting ass for worshiping an old fat white dude instead of he, the supreme being. (Paraphrased.) Sadly, to me Christmas seems more like a friendship tax than a spiritual event. And, lest you get pouty and want to give me a Jimmy Stewart moment? No need. I made peace with Santa and the elves a long time ago.

I have not relinquished my Scrooge-like view of the holiday. My sister loves Xmas music. I bite my tongue to the point of bleeding every time I hear Bing sing “Up they stuffed it, his rump a pump-pump.” Must everyone turn an Xmas jingle into an ad? (I pray Santa will bring me one of these every time I hear the fucking Nutcracker on a car commercial.) Not being raised to know the words, I tend to make up my own when caught in a sing-along situation. Whatdyamean it’s not “Cut the balls off Buddy Holly?”. I like “Oh Come Ye a Faceful” better, although I give Twisted Sister credit for putting the ‘Faithful’ version of that song to the music of “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” And I won’t freak you out by telling you what I did, away in a manger with my dog Ranger. NSFW, anyone?


It’s hard to be a Grinch when your favorite bus driver sends you a Christmas card, and even harder when you go to the Mercury blog and see King Diamond in Xmas mode. I’d forgotten about this lovely nugget, which exists on a cassette somewhere in my sister’s nook. I can no longer say with blanket authority that I hate all Xmas songs.

Sorry kids, but Santa may face delays once he gets to King Diamond’s house. What’s that I smell, roasting over an open fire?…

Hat tip to Dave Bow of the Portland Mercury for the mental nudge, and happy holidays to all, deities included.

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