Nuttier Than Squirrel Turds

March 14, 2011 at 10:10 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

She stared at me for over a minute.


“What’s your problem?”

I picked up the wrinkled bills. “You just threw two dollars at me. Is it my choice what you are buying tonight?”

“I NEED EIGHT QUARTERS.” Snappish. Just as I began to hand her money back and tell her to go fuck herself, she said, “Please?”

I handed the quarters to her, she dropped them in her purse, and went back to the staring contest. I’m getting paid, so I stared right back. She huffed, slammed her purse on the counter. “IT TAKES ME A MINUTE!”

“We’re open all night.” She wouldn’t be staying that long. I guar-on-tee.

She blew a kiss.

“Have a good night,” I said.

That pissed her off all over again. I’ve been seeing a lot of that type of behavior lately.

Crazy Cat Woman wanted to borrow a gun yesterday so she could blow her brains out, but not before “I kill that fucking cunt cop on the corner. Can I have a book of matches?”

I gave her three books.

“I ONLY WANTED ONE!” She returned the other two and stomped out. The yelling began, and I went to look outside. As she walked past the front of the store, her pants began slipping down her legs. She turned, screamed, raised her shirt and gave The Avenue a full-on beaver shot.

I’m not one to resist sneaking a peek at the female form, but this flash wasn’t meant to be erotic, and she didn’t expect me to be outside. This made her even madder. She slammed a garbage lid and left.

Clothes were scattered along the sidewalk, including her coat and scarf. Rain was pouring down, and if it hadn’t been her winter coat I would have left it. Instead I fetched it and hung it to dry on the gas pipes outside.

All night long, folks kept asking, “Is that your coat? Did you know there’s a coat outside?”

Yes, it belongs to somebody.

About 11 PM, Crazy Cat Woman came back. She saw her coat hanging there, and saw me. Her look was sheepish.

“I’m sorry I was such a cunt earlier. My son Brad Pitt called the cops on me, and his father Paul Newman had the FBI follow up on it. They just can’t wait to stick their fingers up my butt. I know they have to look for drugs, but it’s like they enjoy sticking stuff up there! Have you ever had a cop stick a finger up your butt?”

She didn’t wait for me to answer. “I can deal with the fingers, it’s that goddamn nightstick…”

She gathered her coat and scarf. “Thank you, honey. You’ve never tried to rape me.”

I smiled. “One favor? Next time you flash your twinkie at me, make sure I’m looking?”

“As long as you don’t pull out your nightstick!” She cackled and hurried off.

March: In like a lion…

1 Comment

  1. TinFoilTim said,

    The ENTIRE World has officially dropped the brown acid.

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