The End of Times

March 18, 2011 at 4:20 pm (The Easy Chair)

All good things must come to an end. It seems as though that theory is being fast-tracked the last couple of weeks. I’ve lost two family members within the last month or so, but that’s not what this is about. We’re gonna start small, with the less important stuff.

The material things.

I’ve been using the same umbrella for almost five years. I’ve found/inherited/gifted many along the way, but my one true favorite was the one I stole from Grinder at work. When I realized it was his, he gave his blessing and said, “Don’t worry about it; someone left behind a better one!”

Until Tuesday night, it had been my companion on any day with even a threat of moisture. (Must keep the netbook dry.) After a torrential rainstorm, I noticed one of the prongs had come undone. I managed to get it closed to get onto the bus, but it made a crunching noise, like your knee when it pops. Would it pop back into place?

No such luck. The pop was fatal. When I exited the bus, I opened the umbrella and it collapsed into a brittle, spindly mess. It wouldn’t keep me dry for nine blocks, and I’d have to pay to throw it away. I saw the dumpster next to the 7-Eleven, and tossed it over the fence. Let the cranky 50-year-old-cocksucker-who-resembles-a-real-life Eric Cartman that works there finish throwing it away. Done and done.

I spent so much time with that umbrella, I began feeling like The Penguin. If Heath Ledger could reinvent The Joker, I could be The Penguin! I’ll survive for the sequels, Hollywood. Just sayin’…

I will miss my walking stick with a hook for a handle, the main reason I liked the old umbrella. The new one is spiffier, but without a hook I can’t go hands-free. I need to make a wrist strap for it. I have a plan…

Content dead, but the vessel lives on...

The other loss that pains me deeply? THIS. I will miss KUFO way more than my trusty umbrella.

KUFO hasn’t been the same for years. It’s been like the old cat you know needs to be put to sleep, or else given a way too expensive type of surgery to survive. (Fatboy Roberts eulogy uses the same analogy. Classy and well-put.) The “Broski” approach was mocked incessantly, and with one or two exceptions (Hi Porkchop!) the on-air personalities were either annoying or just plain durrrr…

But…

They have had the only hard rock/heavy metal playlist on the dial. Granted, I could comfortably spend the rest of my life never hearing another Nickelback song, and it pissed me off to the point of apoplexy when they started playing Bon Jovi and Billy Squier. In fact, my last listening moments on KUFO were abruptly cut off when the intro to Bad Medicine began. Off! I will miss mocking Shinedown, with their over-emoting covers of Lynyrd Skynyrd melodies and over-the-top songs like The Edge Sounds of Madness. (“Shave your genitals!”) I don’t want to spoil the mental image by YouTubing them, but I picture a second-generation Spinal Tap. Except they don’t get the joke.

Sadly, I heard about the death-knell on internet radio, which I listen to in the morning. (Cascadia.fm kids. Ex-KUFO jocks Cort and Fatboy here.) I only wish there were music on this channel. I have a feeling their playlist would be more up my alley that what’s left on terrestrial radio.

So, to get through the night, once again I have to channel-surf and deal with the static. I listened to classical music for a few minutes, but it made work seem like a Bugs Bunny cartoon and I’d left my giant mallet at home. So I switched to jazz. It worked for a while, until I got fed up with the endless noodling and screamed at the radio to “GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!!!”

I switched to the Charlie Channel. Hey, they were playing Blue Oyster Cult. Okay…

I lasted two songs before Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing came on. I used to like that song, before it became the bellowed anthem of drunken piglets wandering the streets at 2 AM.

Sigh.

I’d *like* to check out 94.7, but the static from their station makes it unlistenable. (Apparently downtown buildings are welcoming to static and bedbugs, and impenetrable to everything else.) I know it won’t have the kind of knucklehead rock I like that drowns out the nonsense of long-winded customers and verbose co-workers.

Again, sigh.

Art East has mentioned procuring a set of small speakers so I can hook up the netbook to internet radio. That would work. Otherwise, my days of being paid to jam to Tool and Rob Zombie appear to be over.

Therefore, time to make the wrist-strap for the new umbrella. All the more reason to keep the netbook safe and dry…

Lights out, lights out in Portland...

RIP KUFO.

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