“Y’all Take Food Stamps?”

May 28, 2011 at 8:27 pm (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again...)

It’s a question I’m asked ten to twenty times a day. Master P has nothing against food stamps. (In fact, he has applied for a license to accept them.) But in a store where the main sellers are:

1.) Lottery,
2.) Cigarettes
3.) Beer and wine
4.) Porno
5.) Energy drinks, candy and snacks

–it’s hard to make a case for us filling an absolute need. I realize times are tough and more people are hard up, but if your clothes cost more than I make in a week and you’re using an Oregon Trail EBT card trying to buy Red Bull and Altoids, you’re gonna get attitude from me. I’m no angel, and understand everyone deserves a treat once in a while, but goddamn, you don’t have to get belligerent because we don’t sell enough ‘real food’ to qualify.

"Y'all are expensive!"

Signs of tough times abound. The other day I descended into the bowels of The Upscale Mall to get a coffee from the Moonstruck gazebo. On the way down the escalator, I noticed the sign in the Eddie Bauer window. Look who’s niche-marketing the Rose Festival carny crowd!

As I paid for coffee, I asked the manager at Moonstruck if anyone had mentioned the “EB TEES” sign?

“Hah! That had not occurred to me,” she replied. “I’d ask, but today is my last day here. I’ve been transferred to Beaverton.”

Figures. She’s successful, so they screw it all up by moving her elsewhere. Once again, corporate management pisses me off.

I had occasion to visit WinCo this morning, right before I crossed the boulevard to finish shopping at Freddy’s. The woman in line at WinCo was paying with food stamps: Bulk food, economy-sized packs of meat, generic soda. She was using her government-subsidized meal ticket responsibly. If you wonder why I don’t complain about people buying soda, etc… it’s simple. Fatty foods, sweet foods, they satisfy the hunger and tend to be less expensive than nutritious food. One can live on tuna mac & cheese and Little Debbie for a long time. Until they lose a toe to diabetes, anyway.

Just because I have a job, and have been food stamp-free since 1989, doesn’t mean I don’t work the angles. After getting less-expensive coffee at WinCo, I went to Fred’s and picked out a tee shirt. With a $5 off coupon, a 15% off coupon, and Freddy’s Rewards, I bought a brand-new tomato-red pocket tee shirt for 97 cents!

If I weren’t so low on funds, I’d go to the Fun Center Waterfront Village CityFair and show it off…

(Hat tip to Art East for the Photoshop fun. DISCLAIMER: That IS NOT Eddie Bauer’s actual ad campaign…)


1 Comment

  1. ArtEast said,

    Holee Shee-utt!

    Seeyun thoz pitchrs on the innernet after dun maken em n fotorshop maks me fell sortuh famus n stuf

    */banjo music

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