A Temptation Too Great

July 19, 2011 at 10:05 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Over the years, my will power has improved. I can say no to things I once found impossible to resist. I can wait for a reward if the payoff is great enough. I can sacrifice personal wants if it helps my fellow man.

But I am only human.

“Don’t let her pay for anything!” the young man proclaimed. He was with a girl about his age, which I’d put at seventeen. They spent $5 on gum and vitamin water, and forgot two bags on the counter when they left.

Voodoo Doughnuts. FML.

I’ve been trying to behave, but too many good sweet things have been stuck into my face lately. Having sworn off dessert for a few days, I’d thought of walking by Voodoo, just to stare at the line and head back to work. It would be my luck that there’d be no line, and I’d have to buy a Memphis Mafia. Or at least an Old Dirty Bastard. I chose to do work errands instead. I fetched garbage bags from another store, walking slowly. I felt morally superior for not succumbing to chocolately, peanut buttery greatness.

Not so fast, Iron Man.

They had been gone five minutes. It was 11 PM. The longer they stayed away, the better my odds of claiming the doughnuts as roadkill. Depending upon the item, we will leave things in a drawer or displayed on the rack behind the counter for as long as it takes. Being Voodoo Doughnuts, keeping them around for more than a day would be a waste.

I’ll give them half an hour.

I looked in the first bag, which contained a raised doughnut with Trix or Lucky Charms stuck all over. Well, that made my first decision easier. We’ll save that one for Rumpole, or a drunken hottie with the munchies. Whoever gets here first.

The other one? Bacon-Maple Bar. That bitch is MINE. It’s like a Denny’s breakfast in your hand. I stared into the bag, and figured I’d save it until I went to the office to count out. I wanted to enjoy it without a pack of Dirt Urchins coming in to stink the place up.

At the forty-five-minute mark, Giggles arrived with a hot dog from the Nationally Recognized Chain up the street. The smell of cheap mustard, ketchup and steamed weenie mixed with Ass Body Spray did me in. When he went to the bathroom for his one-armed workout, I tore into the bag. Fuck it. The maple will get the smell out of my nose, and the sugars will boost my metabolism. After one heavenly bite, a trio of stinkbugs arrived.

“Y’all take food stamps?” said Jed with the bare feet and bib overalls. He had twigs in his hair and smelled of wet dog.


“Where the Four Lokos at?” Another odoriferous country heard from.

“We don’t sell it. Try across the street.”

They milled about, feeling the hate of my stare. More folks wandered in, and it was ten minutes until my second bite.

It was a tasty, albeit rushed break. I chomped it down before Giggles returned from his passion pit-stop. I hid the other doughnut until he left for good. Rumpole came in for his shift. I told him what I’d saved for him. He looked into the bag and wrinkled his nose.

Fine. I’ll pawn off a sweet thing on a sweet thing.

With two minutes left on my shift, the kids returned. “Dude! We forgot our doughnuts!”

“Yes, you did,” I said, hoping there wasn’t frosting or a bacon bit hanging in my beard. “But it’s been an hour, and I figured you wouldn’t be back. I gave them to a co-worker.”

The pout on the kid’s face broke my heart. “But I don’t think he took the one with cereal on it. Here ya go.” He gave it to his girlfriend, who’d already had three. “Sorry.”

Rumpole was disgruntled anew when he found out I’D GIVEN *HIS* DOUGHNUT AWAY.

Wah-wah. Don’t be so indifferent next time.

And if you treasure your late-night snacks, don’t abandon them in front of the Big Bad Wolf.

Because he will treat them like Little Red Riding Hood…



  1. other_than said,

    “Little Red Riding Hood”
    ***Double Entendre***
    ///15 Bonus points!\\\
    ((((((YOU WIN!!!))))))

    • beastard said,

      Hood-hunting for real today… Aahoooh!

  2. OneArtPlease said,

    Beware the Hood Rats D:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: