Offensive Littering?

August 29, 2011 at 12:15 pm (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again...)

I ain’t just whistling dick, see?

Upon arriving at work yesterday, Tilly the Hon said, “There’s something you should see. I’m not saying this item belongs to Saucy Alfredo, because that would be inappropriate, but take a look and tell me what you think?”

She directed me to the curb in front of the store. There, next to the rear door of a compact car, was a cheap plastic dildo.

“Hah!” I went back into the store and behind the counter.

“Gonna take a picture?” asked Tilly.

“Nope,” I replied. I grabbed a plastic bag. “Not sure what I’m going to do with it, but there is mucho potential for mischief here…”

“Oh, my.”

I hung it off the backup register. After customers left, I checked it out. I hadn’t looked too close, because it was Hershey’s chocolate brown and I didn’t want nasty surprises.

It was clean, at least from a rectal perspective. It had no weight or girth to it, and was hollow. It reminded me of those cheap plastic recorders kids learn music on in grade school. I assumed it was a prop from a bachelorette party. I’ve heard they have tiny penis candles, straws, etc… This would be perfect for a vanilla milkshake.

The bag hung innocently throughout the shift. Weird Steven shrugged, then topped my story by telling of the hooker he had just watched take a dump on a newspaper outside a strip joint. “If you lookin’, you gonna see somethin’ honey!”

I guess he got quite a show.

Rumpole was slightly more impressed. “What the fuck?” He played with it. I hoped and prayed he’d put it to his lips. Art East would be willing to come down and pull the surveillance footage for something that choice.

No such luck. I grabbed the bag full of chocolate dildo and headed for home. I’m guessing gossip has me inserting this thing all over town by now. What did I do with it?

Ivy Leaguer

I love leaving subtle visuals for the bleary-eyed morning commuters. Where to put it? I’d thought of the doors at the Upscale Mall, but security would find it and throw it away. I couldn’t find any Light of the World-type newspaper boxes, and every time I got close to a good spot, people were watching. It’s after midnight, people! Go the fuck home!

Not wanting to mess with the police, I stood at the bus stop near the Justice Center when it came to me. I would make it part of the flower arrangement at the base of a small tree.

But first, I had to wait for the young woman with the baby carriage to pass by. Jesus, is everybody outside tonight?

As soon as she was gone, and no cops were looking, I plunked it in amongst the ivy. Of course, I snapped a picture. Or else it didn’t happen, right? The bus came around the corner, and I made the perfect escape.

Wish I’d been there to see the caffeine-deprived office workers realize what was peeking up at them. Happy Monday, everybody!

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1 Comment

  1. JorgeJetson said,

    Brown thumb?

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