Santa: Naughty and Naughtier

December 19, 2011 at 12:37 pm (Sweet sticky things)

I called Meg. “I’m at Freddy’s. Want anything?”

“Do they have my beer?” She likes a certain type of inexpensive malt liquor which has recently been among the brands listed as “troublesome” by the OLCC.

“Nope, nothing even close.”

“Pick up a sixer at my mom and pop store, and I’ll pay you when you get here?”

“Sure!” It was a lovely night for a walk, and there was no shortage of things to look at.

I was about to go on my second date of the night. I’d hurried through Saturday chores, freeing up the day. It was sunny and brisk out. I’d made loose plans to drop in on Meg sometime in the afternoon. I’d brought her a bottle of rum the day before. When I asked what she was up to Saturday, she replied, “Sluttin’!”

I should pick up my pace.

After a few days of little or no contact, I heard from Rain. “I’ve been going through some shit. They’ve repossessed my furniture. I don’t even have a bed now. Red, can I borrow ten dollars for coffee and cigarettes?”

I could do that. I told her I would stop by on the way to Meg’s.

Knowing I’d be in no mood to tolerate drunken Santas without a buzz, and SO not wanting to drink, I ate some space-candy. It crept on me as the MAX flew toward town. I waited for Rain to come home, sitting on a bus bench near J-W Field. I watched a bum and a hooker argue. I’d seen the bum around. I knew the hooker. Oh what fun…

I called Rain, who had gone off in search of a free turkey. Her phone went directly to voicemail. Oh well. If she stands me up, I still have my ten bucks and I’m due at Meg’s. No losses so far…

As soon as I hung up, my phone Rang. It was Rain. “That was weird. I just tried calling you, and got your Captain Crunch thingy. Where are you?”

“A block away.”

“I’m waiting to let you in…”

I was greeted with a kiss hello, in front of the neighbors and everybody! We took her pull-cart of turkey up to her room.


Rain had been making payments on a snazzy furniture set, but through a series of, ahem, mix-ups, she fell behind and the rental company came and took everything. Including a TV, nightstand and Blu-Ray player that weren’t theirs. Now lawyers are involved. Oh, drama. I looked at the clutter,

Rain was embarrassed. “I don’t want you to see my house like this.” She started crying.

“Hey, now. It’ll work out. Besides, I don’t come to visit your house.”

She wiped the tears away. “I’m going to take a bath. I haven’t been here for a couple days. Would you make up a place so I could lay down?”

I busied myself making a sleeping area in front of her remaining TV in the bedroom. I kicked back, and soon she came in, wearing an animal print teddy. Rowarr! She cuddled up with me, and soon an hour had gone by.

Meg texted me, breaking the moment. “Where are you? I passed out and just woke up.”

I texted back. “Still running errands. Will call you in a few minutes.”

Rain snuggled up to me. “What’s up?”

“Friend is looking for me. I should go.”

While she was in the bathroom, I slipped a $10 into her bible. As I got dressed, she called from the bedroom, “I see what you did there. Putting that dirty money in my bible…”

“Hey, what we do isn’t dirty. I showered before I came over, and you just got out of the bathtub!”

She cackled as I kissed her goodbye. Off to Freddy’s, then to Meg’s.

* * *

As I walked, I saw the herds of Santas. It was Santacon 2011. There were ten to twenty outside each of the worthy West Burnside bars. The Matador was well-represented, but the Marathon Taverna had the hottest. I think some of Santa’s helpers from Fantasy Adult Video must have dropped by. I snapped pictures.

I texted Rain. “Thank you for a lovely afternoon. I had such a good time. I like it when it’s just you and me, and we can chill without a bunch of craziness going on.. Hope to see you soon.”

As I walked, the phone rang. It was Rain. “I’m glad you did. I did too.”

“Did what?” The space-candy was working…

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself. So did I. Thanks Red. I love you…”

“Mmm. You should see all the drunken Santas on Burnside. There are a million of ’em!”

“I know, I saw. Wait, where are you?”

“I’m by the freeway, walking.”

“Look up,” she said.


“On the bus. GET ON THE BUS!”

The TriMet bus was pulling away as the light changed, and I saw Rain’s beaming smile as she waved. I also saw the dozen or so people standing next to her, checking out who had shown her a good time a few minutes before.

“I’ll get off at the next stop. Want to come downtown with me?”

“I have a friend expecting me. I’m bringing her beer. It’s why I had to leave.”

“Oh. Okay, then. I will talk to you tomorrow then. Goodnight lover!” She clicked off, and I turned the corner toward Meg’s.

* * *

Meg answered the door, looking resplendent. “Sorry I fell asleep.” I handed her the six-pack of Milwaukie’s Beast. “You been out humpin’ around?”

My blush must have said it all.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she laughed. “Were you up there seeing her again? I noticed you were up that way…”

“Yeah, she was having a rough day.”

Meg, thankfully, isn’t jealous of anyone. She grabbed my hair, stuck her tongue in my mouth and gave me the what-for. “You’re such a slut.”

“Thank you.”

After getting a little more relaxed, we walked to Everyday Music. I perused the $5 CD section, and saw Teena Marie’s Greatest Hits. I bought it for Rain, who had freaked out when looking for something on Google and had seen that Teena Marie had died. (The BREAKING NEWS headline was a year old. She figured it out after much weeping and gnashing of teeth.) It was a five-dollar long-shot, but she might like the CD.

Meg and I stopped at Whole Foods for high-priced, high-quality munchies, then returned to her room for smoky treats and America’s Most Wanted. We smiled like partners-in-crime as she took calls from her boyfriend while I flirted with Rain via text message.

* * *

“Coming by? The coffee is so fresh it says ‘Hey baby!’ when you pour it…”

Rain laughed. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute. You got a cigarette coupon for me?”

“Yes, dear.” I’ve been getting Camel promo coupons by pretending to be a smoker. My womens LOVE the dollar packs of smokes. “I also have a Christmas present for you. Don’t get too excited. It ain’t that great.”

“What is it? Edible panties?”

WTF? “No! Eww. Who wants a pussy that tastes like fruit roll-ups?”

“I have some,” she purred. “The strings are made of licorice.”

“That’s like eating the wrapper before the candy bar. I’ll have my beaver ala carte, thankyouverymuch!”

She laughed. “As you wish, sir. So, what’s my present? Your dick, so I can practice my sit-and-spin?”

Whoa. “You can have that year ’round. It *is* a present that comes wrapped…”

“Would you like me to bring you a big plate of pussy- I mean BBQ chicken?”

“Nah, I’m good. But all this talk does have me craving one of your box lunches. Mmm, honey muffin…”

And so it went. We flirted until she showed up. I gave her my last Camel coupon, and she promised to make my head spin on the next lunch break. It’s the best part of my complete and balanced diet.

About 3 AM I received a text from Rain. “Redman, I love you. That CD was the sweetest! How you remember stuff like that? That went straight to my heart. Loves you, my huk of a man.”

I texted back: “I’m guessing you meant ‘hulk’ or ‘hunk’? Huk sounds like something you’d do after six cans of Hurricane.”

“LOL. HULK. :)**”

I’d rather be thought of as Hulk than Santa, especially if it involves growth-spurts that cause the ripping of pants.

As long as nothing turns green….

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