The $1.49 Felony

December 31, 2011 at 12:13 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Sometimes it’s the little battles you win at work. The average cashier takes heaps of verbal abuse throughout the course of their employment. It’s the nature of the beast. Rarely does the abuse turn physical. That’s when a cashier’s job gets scary.

The other night, Christmas night, Weird Steven declined a lunch break. Nothing was open, and I was cranky from being up all day. I was grateful not to have to spend the extra hour at The Mothership. Had Weird Steven taken his lunch? This story would be about me…

We are not supposed to physically confront shoplifters. It’s dangerous. BUT if we don’t, the whole world will walk slipshod over our crying corpse of self-esteem and it makes things even worse. So we become defenders of the Twinkies. We may get you arrested. If you get close enough, we may retaliate with whatever appropriate cashiering tool is available. Windex in the eyes or a boxcutter across the back of the hand gets a malcontent’s attention QUICK.

Right about the time Weird Steven was to come back from lunch, a young ne’er-do-well entered the Mothership, grabbed a 12-pack of Miller High Life and two small bags of potato chips. He walked right past Weird Steven, gave him a smug “Whatcha gonna do about it?” sneer and kept going.

Weird Steven was not amused.

He bolted outside, out of camera range. He returned with a bicycle. He put the bike in the back of the store, went outside again. He returned with the beer and one bag of chips. He put the beer out of reach, went to the back to secure the bicycle. As he returned to the front of the store, the Beer Thief returned to the store. In his hand was a hammer-handle, or a piece of rebar wrapped in brown tape. According to Weird Steven, it was hard.

“Where my bike at?! Where my fuckin’ bike at?” He began hitting the displays on the counter. Weird Steven emerged from the back of the store. He pushed past the thief to get to the phone.

“Get out! You can have your bike back when I get all *my* stuff back!?” He began calling-

WHACK WHACK WHACK! The thief ran behind the counter and started hitting Weird Steven on the back of the head. Weird Steven dropped the phone, and a crazy look came over his face.

He grabbed the bathroom key, which is attached to a metal bar that looks like a horse-femur. “TRY TO ASSAULT ME, YOU BITCH!?” Weird Steven went after him, like a chef with a meat cleaver chasing a chicken.

But not before stopping to log off the register, like a properly trained employee.

When it was all said and done, The Thief made off with a $1.49 bag of chips. It cost him a bicycle, and will net him an armed robbery and assault charge, if we ever catch him. Thanks to surveillance footage (which kept this from becoming an urban legend) we know what he looks like, and can nail his nuts to the wall legally. If we catch him.

I’d rather let Weird Steven get ahold of him off-camera… “YOU BITCH!”

Since we can’t count on Windex and boxcutters all the time, I made a trip to the surplus store. On the off chance we ever have to remove blackberries, I picked up a machete for each of the stores. I am declaring Iranian Law for two things:

If you steal from us, it will cost you your hand.

And: Female adulterers must be stoned.

So, any female adulterers? Come on by. I’ll get ya stoned…

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