Bloody Knuckles

March 8, 2013 at 10:46 am (The Easy Chair)

I cut its fucking head off.

By the way, the following may contain violent images, filthy language and general old-man outrage.

It all started with an old stubborn rusty screw.

Our bathtub plugged up about the time I went in for surgery. I tried as much as possible to fix it; bought an auger, a plastic snake, screwdrivers, hacksaws, rust repellent, then rust remover. It’s an old tub, with plumbing from the early ’60s. (Much like yours truly.) To access the drain, you have to remove the stopper and attack from the side. Except the old screw holding the faceplate to the stopper was rusted in, and no amount of WD-40, vise grips or elbow grease would get it to move. I urged family members to try to unscrew it. If they did, all they managed to do was strip it worse. Too much bending for me to do anything about it.

Until yesterday. I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple hours, so I figured now would be the time to test my stitches, etc… I also had a plan. That stubborn screw? About to die a quick death. I will be merciful.

Or not. How do motherfuckers break out of prison with a hacksaw? I can’t even break into the downspout on my indoor plumbing.

I started sawing on the screw at 2:05 PM. About 2:30 my bro-in-law woke up and asked what I was doing? At 3:30 my niece came home, wondering what that fucking racket in the hallway was? At 4:35, with wet feet, pouring sweat and feeling like Fred Sanford when the arthur-itis kicks in, I emerged from the bathtub with a tiny piece of metal the diameter of a pencil eraser.

“Screw you, Screw! I got yore haid!” I’d have felt more victorious if half the drain plug hadn’t fallen into the wall behind the tub, and if I could have pulled out a glob of something to make everything all better again. As it was, I’d wasted half an afternoon cutting through a quarter-inch of tougher-than-it-looks pot metal. To show? A filthy bathroom floor, a flushed red face and banged-up knuckles that look like I’ve been playing hockey barehanded.

The tub seems to be draining better, but now the bathroom sink is acting up. Sigh.

I have not yet begun to fight!

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