Spare Change

September 24, 2013 at 3:33 pm (Cosmic Encounters, Cussed Dumbers)

This has been quite a summer. Despite a couple medical setbacks, (which turned out to work in my favor) I have been having the time of my life. I’d document more, but there just hasn’t been time.

Rain is still living with me. The “breakup” lasted about a day and a half, in which time instead of going off to live with the ex like she’d said, she went and slept “under the bridge”. (That is a euphemism for where she sleeps when she’s outside at night. You’re not getting the real location.) After texting and reassuring me that “everything is like it was” and “you need to quit worrying so much”? I did…

"Why yes, I do."

“Why yes, I do.”

I’ve gotten quite an education this summer. Living with Rain and following her on some of her adventures has been eye-opening, sometimes heartbreaking. I have learned things. I know more about the dope world, like that was lacking before. While I have yet to try it, I am up on the heroin game. I know who is what, and how to do it if I ever decide to.

The homeless have been omnipresent. At work we’ve been dealing with what the Dirt Urchins call a “bum pile’. They line up back-to-the-street against the curb and “fly a sign.” Most are okay, even likable. A few, not so much. Some however, after a few cans of Steel Reserve, take to insulting everyone who walks by. This is not cool.

One in particular comes to mind. He has a gravelly voice that reminds me of Beetlejuice, but since I like Beetlejuice I have decided to dub this asshole Buttholejuice. (A delivery driver says he talks just like Jim Varney’s Ernest character, but I’m not going to research that. We can just call him Buttholejuice.)

The local kids can be a challenge. Most behave when I’m working, because they know if I catch them stealing I will remember them. So, when it’s time for me to leave for the night, it’s not unusual to see a crowd loitering outside the store, waiting for The Unobservant One to take over.

Not that I don’t have help from the public. Mennis, a local who wants desperately to work for Master P but has a felony theft conviction, points out theft all the time. Recently we had a bit of fun with a twitchy fellow.

Twitchy comes in, shops the candy aisle for five minutes, then chooses ten different kinds of Laffy Taffy. “How much are these?”

“$1.29 each.”

“WHAT? They should cost fifty cents. I’ll just put them back.”

He made a big production out of putting them back, one at a time. As he began to leave, Mennis said, “Let’s have the rest of them.”

Twitchy said “HUH? and raised his hands in a “who me?” kinda way. At which time two candy bars fell onto the floor. I moved in and started moving him toward the door. “Hey, I’m going to buy those!”

“No,. you’re not. You are 86ed from all Master P’s stores, get the fuck out and stay the fuck out.” I was forceful, yet calm of voice. We moved him outside the door, where he yelled, “You can’t kick me out! I’m a paying customer!”

At which time we all noticed Rain, walking up the street. She was coming to get coffee and wait for me to get off work. She smiled at me, and Twitchy started walking toward her.

“Hey mama, you won’t believe what this asshole is-”

“YOU GET AWAY FROM HER! Seriously, I will fuck you up.” He looked at me and saw I was dead fucking serious.

I was NOT calm of voice this time. Rain’s eyes widened, and she moved close to me. I smiled at her, “I’m in a great fucking mood, believe it or not.” She smiled back, and there was a soft sweet look in her eyes. Flipping out on this bum in front of her must have scored me about a million brownie points.

Twitchy cursed us all, and headed to the convenience store across the street. Mennis said, “Think I should go tell the other cashier what just happened?”

I nodded. “That would be right neighborly.”

A couple minutes later Twitchy emerged from the store across the street and yelled, “Fuck all y’all! I hate this town!”

Back atcha.

A couple hours later, the doorman at a nearby bar was stabbed in the ear with a screwdriver by a guy fitting Twitchy’s description. It turned out not to be Twitchy, but we were on edge for a couple days.

The doorman is recovering, with a good story to tell. I was Rain’s personal savior for a couple days. Word is out at work that I will treat you fairly if you don’t try to fuck with me or mine. Now the rains are coming, and all that thievin’ is moving indoors for the winter.

I’m ready.


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