Merry Ex Mess

December 28, 2014 at 11:20 am (Sweet sticky things, That's not funny...)

other propleIt’s been that most wonderful time of the year.

I can’t decide if it’s been a good Christmas holiday, or the saddest ever. A little of both, maybe?

For the first time in years, I spent the holiday alone. Not completely, sad-old-man alone, but by myself, watching TV, going for walks. Allowing the day to run me, instead of the other way around. As I went through the day, I wondered about Rain. She moved out a month ago, and I barely hear from her. A text once a week or so, telling me she’s coming for her stuff.

But not on Xmas. Not a peep…

It didn’t bother me until after the fact. As I recalled the previous holidays, when we had no money but still managed a quiet moment alone. (One year it happened in a magnificently public place, a merry Xmas indeed!) I figured after almost five years, and living together for two, that I’d rate at least a text message.

I spent time at Meg’s. She has been blue as well, turning 50 and single. We keep each other company, but I’m more of a sober drinking buddy than a lover. While we are good for a fling every few years, we mostly stay platonic. This year it seemed therapeutic. Neither of us seemed to want complications, so it’s not like that.

But when she started looking at her dating profile, and asking for help? I had to hit the road. I’m not that good of a friend.

Angel gave me hope, for a while. After seemingly ending her relationship with her Ex a couple months ago, she confessed that he showed up a couple days before Xmas, hat in hand and full of gifts. (Among other things.) It sounded like she was drifting toward taking him back, so I wished her a happy holiday and let it be.

If she wants me, she knows where to find me. She knows how I feel.

I haven’t even been in the mood lately. I stare at Rain’s junk and feel lonely, irritated. Then I miss her, and have to remind myself that she left me, right before the holidays.

Then I have to wonder, should I be sad, or should I be grateful that she’s giving me the opening to be done with her? Again.

I ride the train past her hangouts, nowhere in sight. Maybe she went back to Texas? She talks about it. She’s burned a lot of bridges here. I think she would have told me, but then…

As I tidy up my room, slowly carving out space for myself by moving her things aside, I make promises to be strong. It sounds good in theory, until I’m on the train, staring out the window, wishing she was at home, her cute little butt nestled into my lap as we share a single bed in the wee hours. I miss buying her food, even though I can’t afford to feed myself for another week. I miss the scent of her perfume and cigarettes. I miss her.

Then, I remember the cold things she told me as she was leaving, and the images she left in my head. Hurtful things one cannot unsee. Was she just being mean, to make her escape easier? Plausible, but there were grains of truth there.

I have been enjoying some of it. It’s nice to have a space all to myself again. No competition for the TV, although I can always trump her choices “because I’m paying for it.” She always said that, but we all know how that works. We watch what baby wants to watch, because football more than twice a year leads to a cold bed at night.

It’s been a nonstop TV diet of Mythbusters, Pawn Stars, and football.

Last night, as I sat at Meg’s, petting her cat and preparing to leave, my text message alert went off. It was Rain. “Hey, did you forget about me?”

Before I could respond, she called. We spoke briefly, she could tell I wasn’t hostile, and I could tell she was no different than she had been for months, years. Same old story, same old song and dance. We exchanged pleasantries, and I rang off.

On the bus, as I headed home, I pulled out the phone and texted back, “I haven’t forgotten you. I think about you all the time. I miss you. It’s been a sad Xmas.”

Several hours later, I get the one-word response, “Why?”

Really?

I just let that one hang there.

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2 Comments

  1. Jeff said,

    Charles, Sorry that you have the holiday blues. I spent Christmas and New Year’s tethered to a hospital bed. I have enjoyed your blog for many years now and I feel that we have met somewhere back in time!…I thought that Rain was volunteering part time at a woman’s shelter…Charles you are a good soul and share yourself with many friends that you have mentioned on this blog. As for Rain moving out..AGAIN….This could be a eye-opener! Please ask yourself this question…”Do I Trust Her”?….If the answer is NO..Rent a storage locker for 3 months, move her shit into this place, give her a call and send her the key and move on with your life. As a reader and a friend you are being played!!! …Move on Charles as you deserve better.

  2. beastard said,

    Hey Jeff, sorry to hear you have been doing poorly, I hope that has changed for the better. I am doing okay. Things hurt a little right now, but I am going through it sober and sensible. Well, mostly sensible! Take care of yourself, and as Bartles and Jaymes once said, “Thank you for your support!”

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