528 minus 216 = 312

September 30, 2015 at 11:11 am (My Soreballs Vacation)

"Let's play Muppets!"

“Let’s play Muppets!”

Welcome to math class! Today we will be discussing subtraction. Specifically, the equation above.

In May 1996 I went to Providence Emergency, after collapsing at the bus stop, unable to breathe after walking two blocks. When I checked in, they weighed me on the freight scale at the clinic.

528 pounds. I had a meat-apron that hung almost to my knees, boobs like Aunt Jemima, and each leg was bigger around than the waist of my current girlfriend. I gurgled when I breathed at night. (*When* I breathed at night.) Sleep apnea was a big issue; my nighttime oxygen levels dipped into death territory. Time to turn things around.

I went in for a check-up the other day. I hadn’t had my diabetic numbers looked at in a couple years; I wanted to make sure I wasn’t undoing good work with my imbibing of cookies and ice cream. My number came back 5.2. 4-6 is normal. 7.0 is diabetic. 6.9 was my number in 1996.

I killed diabetes!

The doctor, reading my chart, marveled at my weight-loss numbers. I’ve lost 48 pounds in the last year. And not a speck of meth!

I must confess, I was disappointed when the scale stopped at 216. I wanted to be under 200, but I will take 216. At one time that’s probably how much one leg weighed. The fact that I can look down and see my ‘leetle frenn’ is a big reward. The fact that others can see it is probably close to a miracle.

I have lost a total of 312 pounds. That’s two fully grown adults.

I’m keeping my pass aboard the health-train. Gonna get ‘scoped here soon. No one has looked up my ass since the teen years when I got arrested. I’m going to let someone with a little more business up there take a look this time. I’m sure I’ll share the gory details.

And… My new doctor okayed a test-drive of Viagra. After an amusing question and answer session, she said I am good to go. (Or come, actually.) I just got to make sure I don’t piss Rain off when I take it. That’s not the kind of stiffness in the joints I want to use to score pain pills…



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