I’ve Found Jesus!

December 4, 2015 at 12:40 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

"I'm baaaack..."

“I’m baaaack…”

“I don’t care if it rains or freezes;
Long as I got my crystal Jesus,
Riding on the counter of my store…”

Yes, last night, at 7:24 PM Pacific Coast Time, I found Jesus. He was sitting in a box of energy bars.

I don’t know if this was a pack-rat thing, where someone was hungry and decided to let the Lord turn opportunity into overpriced compressed granola, or if some random wandering tweaker forgot the trinket he was fondling. (Tweakers like to fondle inanimate objects, play with gadgets, toys, etc…) During a sweep of the store, where I retrieve things squirreled away and return them to their rightful spot, I found this clear gem.

Immediately I texted Dizzy. “Meet Glass Jesus! My co-worker says he’s early.”

Earlier in the week Dizzy and I had discussed Christianity, and how the most “Christian” people tend not to be Christians. “As Christ would have it,” I replied sarcastically to some one-liner.

“Perfect! We need to start punctuating all sentences with that. ‘I have a raging case of anal warts, as Christ would have it.'”

As I moved from store to store, I came across Stretch, local barfly and drinking buddy if I ever drink again. “Hey, Charlie, how ya doing?” Stretch always has a booze buzz on, but he was especially drunk, and what’s that in Stretch’s hands? A baggie? “Hey, Charlie, you want some weed?”


Stretch reached into the baggie, pulled out a pinch and noticed a girl in the group wrinkling her nose. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’M STERILE!”

“Come and get it ladies,” I said. Stretch found this funny, and gave me an extra bud. A group of Blazer fans were disembarking from the MAX, smiling at this information. I looked both ways in case a cop was driving by, then realized it’s not illegal to give weed away in plain sight in the city of Portland. (It barely was before legalization, but the cops still look.) I took my handful of weed and carried on. Thanks, Jesus! The Lord giveth!

"I'm coming. Jesus..."

“I’m coming. Jesus…”

I texted Dizzy when I got back to the Waterfront Store, “Coming for a visit?”

“I came down and you were gone. Boo!”

“I was out doing the Lord’s work. You should come visit. THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! As Christ, well, you know…”

We even ended up hashtagging our texts with #ACWHI, although I mistyped it as @ACWHI and found a suspended account. Woohoo. An underground Christian cult I have been unwittingly sucked into the vortex of? Probably a marketing thing. The lord works in mysterious ways.

When I arrived at Dizzy’s for break, I asked how her night was going?

“Oh, I’m laughing about Jesus too much, but it’s distracting me from all the outside noise. Do you know earlier I heard some guy yelling at the top of his lungs, ‘I’M STERILE!'”

“That was Stretch, and he gave me about two grams of bud. As Christ would have it.”

Blood of Christ

Blood of Christ

Undoubtedly I offended a couple of my more religious cussed-dumbers, as Christ would have it. There was some debate as to whether it really was Jesus, or Osama bin Laden, or Christ the glass-jawed yokel. When I got Jesus home, I investigated further and discovered Jesus has a hollow bottom. (Insert Judas joke here.) Brief experimentation revealed that Crystal Christ holds the same amount of medicated cough syrup as my teeny-tiny shot glass.

Therefore, as Christ would have it…

I drinketh the blood from the ass-end of Jesus. #ACWHI.


  1. The Mr. Slave said,

    Jeethuth Crythh/Hollow Bottom.


    • beastard said,

      Ath Chritht would have it!

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