Yes, I Have a Match…

December 23, 2015 at 11:00 am (Cussed Dumbers)

Some of the biggest arguments come from the smallest sources. When I worked at the store with digits in its name, the biggest problems came from people not wanting to pay A NICKEL for less than perfect photocopies, (“I know it says I made thirty copies, but only this one came out!”) or the amount of popcorn in a fifty-cent bag. (“The other guy gives me 650 kernels, you only gave me 589!”) Still astounded by people’s cheapness after thirty years.

"Did you buy that here?"

“Did you buy that here?”

At Master P’s we don’t have popcorn, photocopies or postage stamps. (“You charge fifty cents for a forty-four cent stamp? Is that legal?”) But we do have matches. Maybe the last place downtown that still hands them out. Free with smokables, a nickel if you walk in off the street and ask.

Tip: They are free if you say please, or are even polite.

Pushy much? We will fight you to the fucking death for that nickel…

The past week has tested my patience. Holidays downtown are stressful, with the public in a dither over commerce and keeping up with the Xmas competition. Moments meant as loving turn into ugly moments of realization. Desperate people away from loved ones, down on their luck, exacting revenge on the universe. But mostly inebriated dumb-shits with little or no self-realization out in public demanding their own way.

When I found the box of plain white matches in the back room, I updated my Xmas tradition of drawing a mistletoe from on an empty pastry box to matchbook covers. The first one was snatched up by an old friend who thought it was cute. So I began to doodle, and soon an outlet for irritation emerged:



Over the course of the past couple days, I have been having a blast, drawing inspiration (hah!) from my currently less-than-beloved public. The 12-ounce cup of matches is now a 24-ounce cup, (no shortage of source material) and I envision making millions of dollars doodling spontaneous matchbooks for strangers.

Hey, it’s a realistic dream. Realistic as an asshole getting a free book of matches…


  1. Beans_n_Weenies said,

    Man, I could totally see those becoming popular on Ebay.
    Well Done!

  2. None other than the infamous Captain Butt Onion of course! said,

    Happy Holidays to all those who make DBG possible!
    Look forward to another year of entertaining reads from the land of ‘P’.
    Respectfully yours,
    -Captain Butt Onion-

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