The Intergalactic Crack Pipe

March 8, 2016 at 12:25 pm (Cosmic Encounters, On the road again...)

Voorhees, late-night man at the Mothership, came to visit me at the Waterfront Store. “I have something for you. Eva Braun said, ‘I don’t care what you do with it, just get it out of here’. So I immediately thought of you.”

Liftoff in three...

Liftoff in three…

He unwrapped a Chipotle napkin, revealing a space-age looking gizmo. “I think it’s one a THEM kinda pens! Festus wanted to sell it to some guy named Carmine for ten bucks, but fuck Carmine!”

I sniffed the tip of it; a vague tobaccoish scent. I thanked him, stashed it in my traveling bag, and forgot about it for three days. When he texted, “How’s that new pen working for ya?” I felt kinda guilty. I should at least check it out.

I took it out of its nest-napkin, and pushed the button on the side. It lit up neon green, and smoke or something filled the little lamp/chimney thingy. Hmm, well, even if it is tobacco, it won’t kill me to take one puff.

I exhaled toward the sky. I think I might be onto something here…

Back when medical lounges existed, and OMMP patients could smoke indoors, I tried the dabs. Smoking concentrated cannabis products. They look like beeswax, or earwax, or hash oil, or molasses. But they are strong. I once took a dab hit that was the estimated equivalent of a quarter-ounce of green bud. I NEVER WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN. But like most things, in moderate doses it can be quite a kick.

I took a few more pulls on the pen. No particular flavor, no identifiable scent. With a dispensary a half-block away and a MAX platform in front of me, weed smells have become the NORMl.(See what I did there. Stoner humor. Tee hee hee.) But this? I could take a pull with the boss sitting upstairs watching. As long as I stepped outside.

Time to do a bit of research. I googled, found my cosmic ray gun of fun retails for $60-$100. I saw enough to figure out how to take it apart without breaking it. After a couple phone calls to dispensary clerks with knowledge on these things, (whippersnappers) I had figured out what to do. Bonus: It recharges on the same cord as my MP3 player! Talk about a travel kit.

I had some concentrate on hand. I am and was the biggest fan of hashish, but the new concentrates have taken it a step further. So when I want my bong hit to have some extra oomph, I put a pot seed-sized dab on top. It melts down and makes a bud boilermaker. I took some out, worked it onto the coils on the pen, and gentlemen, we have achieved liftoff.

Realizing this will send my weed tolerance through the roof, I charge it, load it and stash it in my work bag. Lately I’ve been avoiding the pill man, so having a psychotropic teat to visit upon occasion has really taken the edge off opiate withdrawal. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but I’m suddenly cool with it.

I showed it to Rain. She laughed, “It looks like a crack pipe from outer space!” I disliked the oil rigs of dabbing because it reminded me of hard-core crackery, but this little gizmo is cool. Don’t ask and I won’t tell. (I may not tell you the truth anyway, legal or not.)

So, as I awaited departure to home on the commuter bus past midnight, Biggdaddy the driver, who resembles a well-fed Osama bin Laden, pulled out his vapor rig and took a big pull while on layover. I laughed, “I have one of those now!”

“You? Well, I’ll be goddamned. But you’ve never been a smoker?” Biggdaddy seemed to be on the verge of a health lecture.

“Well, I’d trade puffs with you, but I’d just cough and you’d get lost driving us home. Maybe another time?”

“Oh! It’s one of those pens? You fuckin’ devil.”

I would have pulled it out to join him, but I’d just finished a big bowl of bud. Still my number one choice, stinky or not.

Besides, I’d sucked the intergalactic crack pipe dry the last hour of work, waiting on Giggles. I didn’t even care that he was five minutes late…

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1 Comment

  1. Earl Guntherson said,

    I googled how to fix an “Integral, Attic cracked pipe” due to a leak in our ceiling, and want to thank you for the tips. Our leak has not came back since. 5 Stars, would reccomend.

    p.s. any advice on a clogged toilet? Our 4 year old spring terrier mix likes to hide the neighbor ladys underwear in the shitter.

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