Not Your Typical Workday

April 8, 2017 at 11:10 am (Cussed Dumbers)

Jeckyl’s Last Heckle

Fridays are fun at work. After five days without my iron rule, the nuts come out to play. So I usually have a rough re-entry until word gets out, and they migrate to other stores.

I was all geared up, properly medicated and ready to kick ass and take names when I got a text from Eva Braun. “We are locked up until further notice. I have a dead body to deal with. I wanted to give you a heads-up.”

Eva had twice dealt with dead bodies at work. As longtime manager of the Mothership, she witnessed two suicides off the parking structure above the store. One after the fact, where she found the body on the sidewalk. The other she just happened to look up as the person jumped. “I couldn’t watch. It fucked me up bad enough as it was.” She’s a tough cookie, but no one should have to deal with that. She said she’d quit if it happened again. As these thoughts raced through my head, she called. “Good morning, Charlie Brown! I found your crow…”

Birds wander into the stores all the time. Uncle Cliffy feeds pigeons by hand at the Waterfront Store, and there’s always a crowd of them in front of the doors. Sometimes one will wander in, and we have to bird-herd. (I wish I could find the video of Lawrence Taylor chasing chickens..) We usually get rid of them, but if they take flight indoors? Fuggetaboutit. They’re up there for the duration.

So far we have two unaccounted-for pigeons and a crow. Sounds like Mister Crow has been found.

I arrived at the store, fashionably early. The doors were locked, the coolers moved cattywampus, the tiles stripped. Big buckets of glue and paint and paint thinner scattered across the floor made walking a minefield. A Mexican laborer tried to stop me from coming in. “No, closed.”

“I work here.” I started under the yellow caution tape. A little overboard for a dead crow, Eva?

No, CLOSED.” Mister Floorworker was insistent I stay outside.

“No, I work here. EVA!”

Eva came out from the back office. “Get your ass in here, Charlie Brown!”

After updates, I asked, “Where’s the crow?”

“On top of the ice cooler.”

It was a cooler to the back of the store, used for bags of ice. (We sell a ton to the bars and homeless in the neighborhood.) I got the step-ladder and peeked over the top. “I’m gonna need a glove for this.”

“I have an idea.” Eva took two small garbage bags and double-wrapped. “Put it over your hand and do it like a doggy-scoop.”

“Good idea.” I put the big black glove on after climbing the ladder. No need to bust a hip.

I was tempted to give her a play-by-play, about how its body stuck to the top just a bit, (“sssssmack”) and while it had been there long enough to dry out, the aroma was still not begonias. I rolled it up and tossed it in the dumpster by the bathroom. Goddamn I hope Giggles gets nosy later.

All jacked up and ready for a Friday night, and what’s my next chore for the day? Sit in the back office and wait until I can open a register and make some money. The store had been closed for several hours. I maneuvered around everything and everybody, after a while Eva said, “I’m taking a two-hour lunch. Have fun!”

I sat in the office and played with my phone. Pre-work bong hits of Blue Dream made the time pass pleasantly, I wrote reviews for Google maps. Apparently I am good at this. My stuff had over 5,000 hits last week. Who knew?

I wandered amongst the workers. I kept going over by the Faygo cooler, where Sunshine had once dropped a 60 mg morphine tablet. (He dropped two, I only found one.) I’d been looking for that little bastard since. Guess that’s a tale told.

Eva returned from her two-hour lunch, and we made attempts at getting an open sales area. Bottles of wine were kept under garbage bags, no sales tonight. Racks of candy and snacks, the $3 bags that are so easy to steal, were back by the bathroom. I know Eva is gonna freak when she sees the rack as empty as it is. We just had groceries delivered, and we haven’t been open. That rack should be full! But…

It’s the first week of the month, and everyone has food stamps. And enough money for weed, obviously, because three or four gentlemen of a transient persuasion spent about two hours (and about $175 in food stamps) stocking up on Cherry Exploders and gummy Sour Worms. One guy bought nine bags of Jolly Rancher. I stacked the receipts atop Eva’s desk. It was a long two hours, but they didn’t steal, and we were almost buddies by the end of it. One kid asked if he had the burrito in his backpack for 24 hours, then ate it cold, would he get sick? I advised him not to heat it and then let it sit for 24 hours. I told him if he still was around in 24 hours and wanted to heat it up, I would let him do so.

It was a fast night, in all. I didn’t make a sale until 7 PM, one can of Pepsi before I nined out and Carlos took over. Lunchtime!

I went for a long walk in the sunny spring weather, glad to be away from fumes and cramped offices. I’m glad I could spare Eva the grief of dealing with Mister Crow. She has tattoos of crows on one arm, and plans for a big crow on her other arm. She’s consulting with Art East, who is giving her all kinds of artistic technical advice. She wants a 3-D effect, and it sounds really cool. I’d hate to put her off with my dead crow shenanigans.

And, now, Eva, Voorhees and I have to put the store back together again. (Maybe he will mace somebody in the process!) I’m working an extra day this weekend. I hope there’s at least one day where I can read and putter and do little else.

But then, I should be careful what I wish for. The back office isn’t for me.

1 Comment

  1. VanGogh'sEarlobe said,

    Waaiit a minute…
    Dead Crow found by Eva Braun a few days after March 31st.
    Brandon Lee deaded on movie set of ‘The Crow” on March 31st by a prop gun.
    Eva Braun has Crow tattoo drawn with a tattoo gun.
    Illuminati confirmed!

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