BREAKING NEWS!

January 10, 2020 at 1:10 am (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again..., Sweet sticky things)

RUNAWAY RASCALLY RABBIT CAPTURED

“Kiss my puffy cotton ass!”

Portland OR- After five weeks on the run, a political prisoner from a Chinese restaurant has been captured and identified.

Hop Sing, non-binary rabbit and symbol of freedom and oppression downtown, had been living a quiet, Hannibal Lecter-like lifestyle in the rear of a downtown Portland convenience store. While appearing peaceful, he/she is thought to have killed several cockroaches and other nefarious insects. Without bodies, no charges will be filed at this time.

Hop Sing had been living under the aliases Lord Bunbun and Hoss N. Pfeffer, maintaining a one-room cage in the back of the convenience store. By all accounts, he/she was an unobtrusive, peaceful neighbor who kept to him/herself. Sing is believed to be a member of the Orange Tang Resistance. When first captured, Sing was heard yelling, “They want you to believe I am orange chicken! IT’S LIES! ALL LIES!” While it hasn’t been proven, Sing believes the Chinese want to execute him, and has said he will die before surrendering.

There was also some confusion regarding Sing’s mentioning of The Great Carrot God. He’s spoken of an orange-colored deity who delivered prosperity and carrots in the middle of the night. He’s believed to be referring either to his wildlife attorney/cartoon spokesperson @CosmicCharlie97, or Sing was delusional from listening to Master P’s nonstop Republican talk radio.

The following is a Q&A from the press conference, edited for brevity:

Q: “How was Hop Sing finally captured?”

@CC97: “A rather expensive live trap, baited with carrots.”

Q: “Did he go peacefully?”

“I want a lawyer.”

@CC97: “Sing put up quite a struggle at first. His booking photo looks rough, and he scraped his nose up pretty good trying to escape. It should be noted, and I say this with great pride, he beat the trap three times before finally being caught.”

Q: “It’s been said you may have aided and abetted his time on the run. Do you have a response?”

@CC97: “As a friend to the defendant, I was torn between doing the right thing, and what is right for my friend. By offering a safe place to stay, and sustenance, Hop Sing was able to live a little before going away. I, at no time, let him loose, or sabotaged the trap. It is believed that while the humans were assembling the cage, he read the instructions… Yes?”

Q: “Is it true that while marshals were escorting him away, Chinese representatives were watching?”

@CC97: Yes, they were there. They only observed. He’s survived the Chinese Kitchen, and Sing will NOT be extradited back.”

Q: “Where will be be going?”

@CC97: “Hop Sing has been sentenced to life at Chinchilla, the Delta Park penal colony and golf course. It’s a minimum security setup, and co-ed. Once Hop Sing discovers social behaviors, this will seem a lot less like a life sentence. I wish my friend well, and hope he bags a bunny for me.”

* * * * * *
Thank you Hoss, Bun Bun, Hop Sing. For the past six weeks you’ve been my service animal and little frenn. I wish you could stay, but the health department doesn’t understand our relationship, and if I can ever have you declared my service animal, I will come to Chinchilla Park and find you. (It won’t be hard with those nose-scars. The ladies are gonna be all over ya.) And the stories!

“Man, you wouldn’t believe the shit humans do when they’re indoors. I can show you how to roll a joint one-handed. And you know what they really use Brillo for…?”

 

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