Say It, Don’t Spray It

April 7, 2022 at 2:30 am (Cussed Dumbers, That's not funny...)

I’ve always been about the atmosphere. Late nights have always appealed to me; I couldn’t understand why more people weren’t night owls. Perspective: A lot of people are afraid of the dark. For some reason I am drawn to it.

I’m cautious, but not paranoid. I have a lot of years of good luck in my pocket, but that can be erased in a hot moment. Every time I leave the house, I wonder if it will be my last. It’s a brief flash, but it happens every time I head off to do the graveyard shift.

I walk toward the freeway overpass. A line of zombie RVs are under the overpass, camped there since last winter. Creepy looking from a distance, the feeling is enhanced by the rattle and hum of generators. Remember when they show up at the farm in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Yep.

The dogs like me, the humans avoid eye contact unless they are drunk, then they offer me beer and barbecue. I politely decline and make for the bike trail, where at 10:30 PM there are no wanderers. Thankfully. There are fewer places in the world where I can find a moment of quiet solitude. I take each one as I find them. Like the back corner of the bus, where I hunker down for the 14-mile commute…

I started doing the graveyard shift out of necessity. Giggles won’t work seven days a week, and NOBODY really wants to work it, but when folks don’t show, guess who gets to work graveyard?

“Can you work until 7 AM, and we’ll find you a replacement for tomorrow?”

That usually turns into “Can you work another graveyard?” So I do the two shifts Giggles doesn’t, plus my trademark Friday and Saturday swing shifts. I love the nightlife, I got to boogie, and working it instead of paying for it has been my bread and butter.

BUT… Graveyard isn’t the easy-peasy, busy-until-2:30/dead-until-sunrise shift it used to be. That national c-store chain I used to work for closed both downtown stores, and the Plaid closes at 10 PM. (Safeway stays open later. For shame, c-store pussies!) That has brought the beacon of light shining down upon our little store, about the only thing open after 7 PM. We now have all the riff-raff that used to live in the Occupy parks, as well as the tent dwellers and those who just drop their pants and shit wherever. A lovely crowd, I tell ya.

When it happens, I have a helper until 4 or 5 AM. Most times they call in sick, or don’t show at all. I have Bruno on the weekends. Bruno is great; he looks like an offensive guard for the Chicago Bears, is fun-loving as hell, and not afraid to confront ne’er-do-wells. But Bruno had an “incident” the night before, and I had concerns.

“Will I have the pleasure of the company of your rosy cheeks and bright red eyes this evening?” (Note: Bruno is not a partier.)

“Yup,” he texted back. “I’m a tough cookie.”

Thank god.

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Welcome to L’il Pepe’s!

April 4, 2022 at 7:16 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Once upon a time I worked for a small chain of downtown newsstands. Evolving with the times, those four newsstands have turned into one small, mighty busy Quik-E-Mart. Until recently it was one of the few open businesses in the pandemic/protest ravaged city core. As life returns to normal, I forge on, trying to enjoy that which pays for my existence.

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Las Quinceañeras!!!

April 1, 2022 at 12:10 am (Cussed Dumbers)

Superlatives? Check.

Hyperbole? Yup.

Adverbs? Wrestling them back into the suitcase.

Sarcasm? Suitcase bursting at the seams…

Howdy! It’s been a while. I think about writing every day, but the world, and my part in it, has been in flux, and I wanted to let the dust settle before documenting. There’s been a lot of change, but things are also a lot the same. “Think before you speak” was my dad’s advice; advice I should follow more often.

I still work at the same store, but it’s not the same. Fun became work, thanks to the pandemic and a condensation of Master P’s bodega empire. I plan on updating the scene over time, who went where, who went away, who went away forever, etc…

This site is fifteen years old today. It has become my diary. I leave it open, but I’m not looking for publicity or fame right now. I want to remember some of this stuff while I still can, and create a few smiles along the way.

You are most welcome to hang around and listen to me talking to myself…

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Just Wear The F*cking Mask

September 3, 2020 at 12:12 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

“All right you motherstickers, this is a fuck up!”

“Mask on, please.”

“Gotta wear a mask.”

“Can you pull your mask up for me?”

“Mask. Mask. MASK. HEY! Ignore me and I REALLY WILL single you out.”

It’s the new “Welcome to WalMart.”

As you all know by now, we are in the brave new world, things have changed, and we all have to do our part if we want to survive. That includes wearing a face panty.

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A Case of the Mondays

June 1, 2020 at 6:51 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly, That's not funny...)

Courtesy of The Oregonian

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Hero

May 31, 2020 at 4:20 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly, That's not funny...)

Standing Up To Stupidity

Because This Helps

Defending Home

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The Hangover

May 30, 2020 at 9:27 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly, That's not funny...)

The day before my birthday has always been a big party day. On my twentieth, I spent a day and a half getting ready by going to a Judas Priest concert and then drinking in the park. My 21st was a work night, a Saturday night, and I did work, but I was in a bar seven minutes past midnight, already drunk. I’d stay up way too long, then wake up wondering WWWWWTF I’d been doing?

It’s been years since I’ve had a hangover, which is why it seemed weird that I woke up in a mild panic, trying to remember what happened last night? I hate that sense of dread.

* * *

I’d planned a four-day weekend, taking a rare Saturday night off. I texted Dizzy at lunch, “Four days! If I can only make it until midnight.” Three hours to go.

She wrote back, “You can do it!” A cat meme reminded me to keep hanging in there.

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Crazy Bitch(es)

May 25, 2020 at 11:22 am (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

Once upon a time at The Mothership, I was working a particularly busy shift about 10 AM. In those days, a radio was not only okay, it was mandatory for keeping ones sanity. If a customer starts to ramble, or I choose not to be interested in their topic of the day, I could drift off to my special place, nodding in agreement to whatever they’re saying. Other times, I’d get busy and forget the radio was on. One such time, manager Whitney hurried over and snapped the radio off while the above song was playing. After the crowd left, he turned the radio back on.

“What was that about?” I asked.

He smiled and tipped his fedora. “That old lady you sold a coke to is the head of Metro. She was probably in here looking for something to complain about. While the song was apropos, do you really want to lose the radio over Buckcherry?”

Point taken.

But there are a lot of crazy bitches downtown…

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Welcome To My World

May 12, 2020 at 11:11 am (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again..., That's not funny...)


H/T to Jonathan Maus

“How are YOU doing?”

Are you tired of reading/hearing about the Cornhole Virus? Me too. Jeezus I am sick of it.

But I’m not sick. Thank you, powers that be.

So how am *I* doing?

It’s business as usual, mostly…

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Old Man Problems Part I

January 29, 2020 at 11:30 am (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

“Long in tooth and soul
Longing for another win
Lurch into the fray
Weapon out and belly in…”

“You’re…OLD! You make me laugh…”

I toed the line of the store’s door, quietly giving him the stink-eye as he picked himself up off the ground, adjusting his coat.

“C’mon, man. He ain’t worth it.” The friends led him away.

I had a customer.

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