Virgin Territory

February 16, 2017 at 3:00 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Uncle Cliffy was giving me the eye. Did I have a giant zit in my forehead? Coke booger? “What?”

“Did you know that the average male penis is six inches long?” he asked.

Before I could affirmate, he continued, “And the average woman’s vagina is eight inches deep. That’s over 150 miles of untapped pussy in New York City alone.”

He then brought out pencil and paper, showing his work.

It’s been a slow, slow day.

Permalink 1 Comment

Weekend Blues

February 13, 2017 at 12:32 pm (Cosmic Encounters, Cussed Dumbers)

"Here's Tom with the weather."

“Here’s Tom with the weather.”

“Sunny, with winds 20-30 MPH, temperatures in the 40s.”

It’s a beautiful day in Portland, Oregon. My health is good, attitude partly cloudy. Work has been its usual stress, nothing much to report. The Nightclub Store is quiet, with the hotel closed and the bar being remodeled after the fire. I’ve been doing weekends at the Nightclub Store, with two days at the Waterfront Store filling out the work week. Three-day weekends are great once in a while, but I’d rather be working.

I am getting some housework done.

I was going to spend some time writing today, but it’s so gorgeous outside that I MUST go for a walk. Blue Dream in a jar on the desk, calling… It’s a peppy high, tastes great. I will burn a bit of that, and ride with Sister to work.

She’s been doing better. Realizing it’s not getting better by getting drunk, she’s mellowed out. I stand by her regardless, but I’m letting her know I like her a lot better sober. It took me a long time to realize I’m a jackass when I’m drinking. The last time I drank was a few months after I’d met Rain. “Honey, you smoke all the weed you want, but I don’t like you when you drink.” Those words hung with me. I want my sister to know I will love her either way, but I think it shows that it’s more fun when she’s sober. She’s been seeing a lot of ugly behavior at my work. She finishes at 11 PM, then walks over to where I’m working, and we ride home together. During the hour or so in between, there are a lot of obnoxious drunks to keep happy. She’s getting an education.

Time to get out and smell the roses. And any other flowers that may present themselves…

Permalink Leave a Comment

Cryogenic Gluteus Maximus Removal

January 14, 2017 at 12:05 pm (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again..., That's not funny...)

No. Just no.

No. Just no.

I’m surprised I’m not seeing little piles of gluteus maximus all over downtown. I almost froze my ass off last night.

I texted Dr T; “If Giggles is still there, tell him I’m gonna punch him in the head if he’s late tonight. We had to sit almost two hours to catch the last and only bus. That ain’t happenin’ again.”

I was pissed.

Read the rest of this entry »

Permalink 1 Comment

Stay Frosty

January 11, 2017 at 11:11 am (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again...)

snow-fountain

It was a four-hour shift. I spent almost that long at the bus stop.

It was spitting snow when I left the house. By the time Southie left the West End Store, a white blanket covered the intersection. By the time I got off work, YakTrax were required, and there were no buses or MAX crossing downtown. That’s not unusual after 10 PM.

I hurried to the bus stop. The tracker wasn’t working, but the bus was due at the top and bottom of the hour. Eventually I would catch a ride. I had a nice post-work buzz going, and the landscape was pretty. I could wait a while.

And I waited. I checked Transit Tracker for MAX, there was a train scheduled to leave four blocks away in ten minutes. I’d head there, while keeping an eye out for the Hawthorne bus. I passed a familiar looking group at the Madison stop. I went to the light rail stop. I hadn’t seen a train going any direction in a while. The sign at the MAX said, “You might want to consider not using public transportation tonight.” Great. I went to a different bus stop, on 6th Avenue. There was one of the #14 buses, sitting sideways blocking the entrance to Broadway on Main Street.

I tripped back to the MAX, still no sign of train. Midnight rolled around, and little by little people started walking. At 12:35 AM, I saw a bus taking an odd turn, and I got walking. I made it to 4th and Madison just as the #14 Hawthorne pulled up. The driver waved off my fare.

He was the only bus still in service.

We conquered. He turned and made one more pass. I hope he made it, for everyone’s sake.

Now I am heading back to work, for a full shift this time. If I leave three hours early I might make it on time.

Permalink Leave a Comment

#PDXtst

January 9, 2017 at 6:26 pm (Cussed Dumbers, On the road again...)

icy-stump

Ice storm!Snowmageddon!Close the schools! It’s the end of times!

SPOILER ALERT: I survive. In fact, I came out of it pretty good.

We haven’t had a real winter for a couple years, so Mother Nature is making up for it in spades. The past week hosted non-stop sub-freezing temperatures, and the past few days have added liberal doses of precipitation, leading to enhanced thrills and spills. Cue Paul Simon; “Slip slidin’ awaaay…”

Read the rest of this entry »

Permalink Leave a Comment

Burned Out

January 5, 2017 at 1:30 pm (Cussed Dumbers, That's not funny...)

alder-fire-1

I had a feeling the day would be atypical when I saw the Heavy Duty fire truck driving the wrong way up the Avenue. I was coming out of the office with my cash drawer, ready to start a swing-shift at the Nightclub Store.

I followed my early routine, getting my shift’s accoutrements together. People kept asking me what was going on next door. “I dunno! I just got here. Probably a fire drill. They have them all the time. Or somebody is cooking bacon in their room. That’s the biggest “emergency” most of the time.”

Except… The street doesn’t usually fill with fire trucks, and fire marshals in red Jeeps don’t usually come in such numbers. Time to stick my head out and see what was happening.

Read the rest of this entry »

Permalink 4 Comments

Will Everything Come Out Okay?

January 2, 2017 at 9:35 pm (Cosmic Encounters, Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

I’m not much for holiday songs, but this ditty came out during my teen years and I felt the urge to revisit. George wasn’t my favorite Beatle, but he was one of the top four. He also did an ode to constipation that I will put up at the end, if I can find it.

But that’s later. First we’ve got to get through New Year’s Eve.

Read the rest of this entry »

Permalink Leave a Comment

Xmas 2016: A Final Note

December 29, 2016 at 5:30 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

Courtesy of Bojack.org

Courtesy of Bojack.org

I arrived at the Waterfront Store just as Uncle Cliffy came out of the back office with my till. “I’ll take that,” I said. I took the cash register drawer from him and went into the employee office.

Mrs Brady was working with me. Wednesday is freight day, so I have a helper. Since she would be working with me for three hours, I felt no need to rush.

I counted the safe first. The rolled coins, then the bundles of bills. I didn’t bother counting the bundles of ones. Coworkers aren’t desperate enough to steal ones.

BUT. There have been a rash of shortages involving bundles of $5s. One or two bills missing from one or two stacks. Accidents happen, but not consistently, not repeatedly, not without intent. I have been helping catch the mice in the pantry. I counted every $5. On the dot, the way it always is when it’s Uncle Cliffy’s safe. Same with his till. But I had time, ten hours worth. I decided to count his till.

Just to double check.

Read the rest of this entry »

Permalink 1 Comment

Prepare For War!

December 23, 2016 at 1:05 pm (Cussed Dumbers)

pens-arming

I woke up this morning, not wanting to move. Laying there for 45 minutes did nothing for my mood, so I got up. As I shaved, I felt life creeping back. By the time I came out of the bathroom, I was almost ready to skip and jump!

Lately, life has been a rollercoaster ride. Facing a lot of moods I would rather not. My usual means of escape have been unavailable, or don’t work. It was a rare feeling to seem complete so early in the day.

I’m guessing my mood won’t be as good twelve hours from now.

It’s back to the Nightclub Store after three days off. I have spent the past two nights working at The Waterfront, going through a bag of personal possessions I’ve been toting between stores. Rain showed up, so I offered her bits and pieces. A half-year’s worth of Busted! Magazine will be available at Rain’s Library of Crime. (My sister’s mugshot, as well as Meg’s, are in the pile.) There were copies of Portland Mercury that held Valentines for Rain, Angel and Clairissa. An I, Anonymous about cigarettes and folks’ price-bitching. An almost-used bottle of peroxide, which I regifted to Stuttering James. He tries to keep clean, but it’s hard living out of a shopping cart or three.

There was a stack of Exotic magazine, the local stripper catalog. I thumbed through a dozen or so, read a couple articles. Saw no dancers that I recognized. I offered them to Festus, but he wasn’t interested. A regular customer, who used to buy porno once in a while, came in. During the post-election riots, he gave me some weed and remained calm as I worried about buses and getting home. He is always positive, and always catching me at stressed out times. Having meant to do him a solid, I offered him the stack of semi-pornos, and any hard feelings caused by my gruffness were long gone. Hey buddy!

The pens are plugged in, charging. (Those are Sister’s. My trusty sidekick is already cocked and loaded.) The Magic Pen will keep my moods civil, if not downright giddy. I have to be optimistic. It’s the last Friday of the month before payday. It’s gonna be a shit-show.

Permalink Leave a Comment

The Reduced-Size Vacation

December 21, 2016 at 11:11 am (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

Fried...

Fried…

It’s been awhile since I had three days off in a row. I think it was starting to show.

Because of finances, I jump on any shift I can get, as long as it starts after 9 AM. (I’m getting old, getting up earlier, but don’t call before noon east coast time. Standards!) I feel guilty when I have time off. I should be doing something. I rebelled from that feeling all my life, and now I’m surprised that I’m having issues?

2016 has been one hell of a dark year. Dead celebrities left and right, scary politics in our future. What future? I’m getting old! I try not to run to drugs, but they’ve always been there for me. My biggest demon lately has been alcohol.

Not my drinking. Other people’s.

Read the rest of this entry »

Permalink 2 Comments

Next page »