A Bucketful of Pleasantries

June 13, 2017 at 11:00 am (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly, That's not funny...)

People often ask how I can tolerate dealing with the public. Sometimes I wonder myself.

Portland’s Rose Festival is coming to an end. It’s the store’s busiest time of the year. We get tons of business from the parades, festivals and conventions. We go out of our way to be accommodating, but we never seem to succeed.

Last night, my night off, I get a call from Voorhees. He’s mid-shift at the Mothership. Usually he texts me. A phone call provides a sense of urgency, so I answer. “Whazzup?”

“Dude, I just had a guy pull a knife on me because I told him to turn his radio down. He woulda cut me if I hadn’t locked him out. Fortunately I had my keys out. I’m waiting on Southie or Grinder to come open up. I am so done with this place.”

He had locked the door, and was pacing around inside. He’d achieved his threshold of madness.

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May Day Play Day

May 2, 2017 at 3:21 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly, Sweet sticky things)

May Day and I go back.

Over the past two decades, I’ve encountered big romance, lost said romance, gotten jobs, but the one consistent has been the protests. Every year there are May Day protests, and I end up in the middle of them. Unintentionally, for the most part.

It was a Monday, and the news warned of mischief and mayhem. There are always respectable protesters, the ones who bring their kids to teach them about democracy in action, or older folk recapturing the glory days of Bob Dylan and Joan Baez. “Power to the peepole!” Of course they aren’t the problem. It’s the 25-100 black-garbed goons with Molotov cocktails, spray paint and chunks of concrete for the windows that get all the attention.

You know, the assholes.

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Mister Wolf Is On The Way

March 26, 2017 at 12:34 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

I was going to write about a head shop today. Instead I am writing about head cases and headaches. Work-related, of course.

I got up this morning, prepared to take it easy. I had errands to run, and I wanted to drop in on Voorhees and Dr T. They are working day shift at the stores I usually work, so we share ideas on keeping the stores livable.

Because lately, people have been assholes. But before I could even take a shower, I see a 911 alert on my Twitter timeline. The Nightclub store had been robbed!

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Will Everything Come Out Okay?

January 2, 2017 at 9:35 pm (Cosmic Encounters, Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

I’m not much for holiday songs, but this ditty came out during my teen years and I felt the urge to revisit. George wasn’t my favorite Beatle, but he was one of the top four. He also did an ode to constipation that I will put up at the end, if I can find it.

But that’s later. First we’ve got to get through New Year’s Eve.

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The Reduced-Size Vacation

December 21, 2016 at 11:11 am (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

Fried...

Fried…

It’s been awhile since I had three days off in a row. I think it was starting to show.

Because of finances, I jump on any shift I can get, as long as it starts after 9 AM. (I’m getting old, getting up earlier, but don’t call before noon east coast time. Standards!) I feel guilty when I have time off. I should be doing something. I rebelled from that feeling all my life, and now I’m surprised that I’m having issues?

2016 has been one hell of a dark year. Dead celebrities left and right, scary politics in our future. What future? I’m getting old! I try not to run to drugs, but they’ve always been there for me. My biggest demon lately has been alcohol.

Not my drinking. Other people’s.

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The Old Gray Goose Takes Flight

December 5, 2016 at 3:33 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

mommaPeople often ask how I can tolerate working with the public? It’s not easy, but 99 out of 100 people are nice and just want their Twinkies or whatever. However, out of a thousand people, that leaves ten assholes. Sounds like a proper ratio.

I have been training new workers. I preach tolerance, but there are no shortages of rule-breakers, so everything is like school, and I am the hall monitor. After a week of newbies, they sent me to the Waterfront Store for the night. Sundays at Waterfront are deathly slow. Perfect for reading or recovery from endless screaming. I had a stack of Oregonians, waiting for a quiet moment to settle in.

That’s when the old lady with the bottle of vodka walked in.

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I Gotcha!

October 1, 2016 at 11:11 am (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

I have a new weapon in the war on crime.

It was a typical Friday night. Everyone’s been paid, but it wasn’t too busy. At 10 PM the drinkers are out, and the street trash is drunk and either ready to crash or just getting started. (Meth, the wonder drug.) I see it all from my captain’s chair, the upside-down milk crate.

There’s been a lot of activity in the Master P camp, some of which I will be discussing very soon. Secrets have been kept, but gag balls, I mean gag orders have expired, and we can talk freely.

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Dusty’s Trail

June 15, 2016 at 6:36 pm (Cosmic Encounters, Drunk and disorderly, Waxing Nostalgic)

Hell of a deal...

Hell of a deal…

Dr T and Jem were seated at the picnic tables outside the bar next to the Nightclub Store. Jem had just partaken of her first margarita, and wasn’t enjoying it very much. I’d been standing there for about five minutes, shooting the breeze. It was my lunch hour, and I had a couple minutes to kill.

The bar’s doorman came up to me. He was about 25, a redhead with dreadlocks. I gave him a neighborly nod, but he was all business. “Sir, you can’t loiter here. You can either leave or buy a drink.” He about-faced and returned to his post, leaving me to decide.

“Ain’t that about a bitch,” said Dr T.

“Apropos, considering our discussion.”

We had just been hoisting a cerebral toast to the fifth anniversary of my sobriety. Leave it to me to get kicked out of a bar without even drinking a drop…

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Bingin’ With The Boys

October 29, 2015 at 8:20 pm (Drunk and disorderly, Sweet sticky things)

Library Love

Library Love

I had stuff to return to the library. I had checked out the brand new Buddy Guy album, and Rain had been watching three seasons of Reba. Talk about a cross-culture checkpoint.

It was my day off, and I was ready to be up and out of the house. The library trip is a nice ride. I insist on using the downtown Central Library, even though there are closer ones. There are none closer to my heart, or my work, and it gave me an excuse to check in at The Mothership.

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Bulldozer To The Rescue!

October 7, 2015 at 12:13 pm (Cussed Dumbers, Drunk and disorderly)

I was blessed with a four-day weekend, minus a four-hour lunch shift smack-dab in the middle. When the cats are away, the mice will play.

Thieving Shitbird

Thieving Shitbird

Southie went on a two-week vacation, leaving the inmates in charge of the asylum. There are usually enough veterans to keep the children (new hires) in line and behaving. But, that’s like dealing with six-year-olds. You have to be firm, persistent and loving.

Then there are the Dirt Urchins, who act like retarded four-year-olds. They need to be spanked like sorry-assed stepchildren.

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