October 15, 2017 at 2:22 am (Cussed Dumbers)

“Took A Dump Dump Dump…… Annnnd another one’s gone, and another one’s gone. Another one takes a dump…”

They say pictures or it didn’t happen. We could have gotten surveillance video of this, but some things can’t be unseen, and since Uncle Cliffy rarely gets to be the star, we are going to let this one become an urban legend. (Art East was quoted: “Good god I hope they don’t want video.”)

Who needs video when you’ve got Uncle Cliffy to tell you all about it…?

“It was about 8 AM,” Uncle Cliffy begins. (He really rambles sometimes so you’re getting the Reader’s Digest condensed version.) “It’s quiet, not too many people around, and this normal looking woman comes in and asks to use the bathroom. I explain to her that we are in a turn-of-the-last-century building, and there’s no plumbing, and that we share with the restaurant next door. But they aren’t open yet, so I told her, ‘Why don’t you go to Subway. Tell them you’ll buy a sandwich after you use the toilet.’ She harrumphed, went outside and walked the opposite direction.”

A customer came to the counter, so we break for a second. They bought a Hot Pocket, and after the middle-aged secretary cooked it and left, he went on with his less-than-appetizing tale.

“She’s gone maybe a minute, not even enough time to go to Subway, then she comes back in, goes to the soda fountain, grabs a Big Gulp cup, and takes it to the corner by the ice cream freezer, and TAKES A SHIT in the cup. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Then… she goes BACK to the fountain, grabs a napkin, and returns to the corner where she wipes. Then… She she walked over to the trash can, dramatically throws the whole mess in, says, ‘You’re an asshole!’ and leaves.”

By now everyone is grossed out. “But wait, there’s more! She had this, this, tackle box full of makeup she’d left behind in her hurry to leave. I wouldn’t let her back into the store. ‘I will punch you if you come in here.’ Then I asked her, ‘What would an asshole do?'”

“I interjected, “I know what I would do. Dump the contents of the cup into that box, give it a shake and say, ‘Here ya go!'”

“I’d already cleaned the trashcan. It was fucking disgusting, but no, I remained calm. I was tempted to open the tackle box and fling it all across the train tracks, but in the end I just handed it to her and told her never to come here again.”

“You are too nice. She’d have worn it, if it were me.”

Later that night, while I was at the Nightclub Store, a young lady comes to the register with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. “$6.29 please.”

She pulled a food stamp card out of nowhere and stealth swipes it, freezing the credit card machine. “Goddammit.” I spend thirty seconds unfreezing it, and enter the info again. “PIN please?”

She looked left, she looked right, and ran out the door, leaving me there in limbo. After a few seconds she came back in, entered the PIN, pushed the green button and ran over to grab a napkin. I was about to remind her to grab a spoon when she pulled the front of her pants open, wiped her girly parts, took her ice cream and split. WTF?

She tossed the napkin on top of a giant pee puddle to the left of the store door. Again, WTF?

I have seen a lot of things, dealt with a lot of things working at Master P’s. But this is the first time I have actively considered finding another job. I know it’s the mean season, and people will stop being assholes eventually, but I’m getting tired of babysitting these dirty thieving mutant motherfuckers. One guy complained about my attitude, because I didn’t want to keep looking the other direction. “Would you read me the flavors of e-cig juice?” “No.” “You’re an asshole.” I followed him out, but he was gone. So were 12-15 candy bars from beside the register. Every time I would look at something, he’d stuff a handful. (Of course I didn’t see him do it, or I’da killed him.) Upside: He spent $47 on e-cig stuff, and if it fails like it usually does, he will be told tough luck. Sue me, cocksucker.

I have a couple days off, and I’m using it to make a big-ass batch of weed butter. Medicated waffles may end up part of my minimum daily requirement if I keep having to deal with shit like that…

1 Comment

  1. Turdnado said,

    “Regular” customer.
    *Mic Drop..

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