Red Hot Lesbo Head Action

May 5, 2007 at 2:20 am (Clairissa, Sweet sticky things)

Now there’s a catchy header.

Want all the salacious details? Follow the yellow brick road…

I spent part of the afternoon at The Hot Box, being charmed by a lady with a bright blue mohawk. Her name is Clairissa, and she gives the best $15 head in town, or so I tell her.

Clairissa is my barber.

How does a middle-aged hetero with a penchant for buzz-cuts end up at a stylin’ joint like the Hot Box? It’s become more about the company than the haircut. Clairissa is a sweet girl, and a great listener. Tony Soprano has Dr Melfi; I have Clairissa. The vintage sign above her chair reads-

Your Hairdresser-

The rapist

Miracle Worker


I always tease her about being the rapist Miracle worker, to which she points out that it’s just the way the light shines on the word therapist.

It started several years ago, when I read about a barber shop that would give you a beer or two while you waited your turn. (We’ll call it The Popes, for brevity as well as legal reasons.) While I wasn’t drinking at the time, I liked the punk spunk of such a place. (I grew up in Mayberry, with Floyd the barber, and my dad wouldn’t let me read the Playboys.) The music was cool, and for $7 I could end up looking mighty respectable. Add beer and a sidewalk view of Hawthorne Boulevard, and you’ve got entertainment.

One Sunday, right before Valentine’s Day, I decided to go all out and impress this girl I was sweet on. So, after getting my swerve on, it was off to the Popes for a grooming. Through luck of the draw, I got Clairissa.

A small can of Pabst supplemented the water bottle full of gin I was carrying, and she spent close to ninety minutes making sure everything was just so. I even let her trim my beard, which to me is like two cannibals 69-ing; the ultimate definition of trust.

Although I fell flat on my face during the Valentine’s Day date, (metaphorically, not physically) I looked marvelous doing so. After that, when it came for my monthly grooming, I made sure it was Clairissa, and would wait at The Popes upward of two hours for my ten minute buzz-cut.

Over time, The Popes turned into another Supercuts. Clairissa went missing, and after two unsavory visits, I finally asked. On the sly, the receptionist told me about the new shop Clairissa had moved to. It was six blocks from my GF’s house!

I saw the rainbow flag in front of the place, with three baby-dykes smoking outside the front door, giving me the stinkeye as I walked in. They followed me, ready to grab straight razors and baseball bats, should the need arise. They dispersed after Clairissa saw me, shrieked, and gave me a huge full-body hug. After a five minute update, and a nerve-calming ciggy for my brain-surgeon, she gave me the old standby: buzz-cut, number two attachment, clean up the neck, etc…

Over time, with that many girls together, drama happened, and it was time for her to move on. Approaching the ripe old age of thirty, Clairissa decided it was time to open her own shop. Her grand-opening party was the day I started this blog: April Fool’s Day.

She has transformed an old dentist’s office, with its bland, cream-colored walls, into a fiery-colored punked out bastion of coolness. I even was given the honor of naming the bathroom- The Sand Box. There’s a room in the back, where her GF gives massages. No, not those kinds of massages. (At least I don’t think so. Note to self; maybe I should ask?)

I have brought her a lot of business. Old girlfriends, their kids, nieces, nephews, co-workers, etc… My nephew sported a rather flamboyant Flock of Seagulls ‘do for about half an hour. We stood on the sidewalk in front of her shop, eliciting honks and waves.

As well as a few gaping maws. Old ladies would stare in horror. Clairissa would blow them a kiss, nine times out of ten disarming the scowl they weren’t even aware they were sporting. Blue mohawk, pierced labret and tribal tattoos notwithstanding, Clairissa is a very pretty girl. And, as Dave Chappelle would say, she’s got ‘New York boobs’. Every time they rub up against me during a haircut, I start feeling like a funny uncle…

Since my haircuts aren’t that challenging any more, we’ve decided to spice things up a bit. She’s always been fascinated with my facial hair, and I have a couple of rogue hairs that come out just below where devil horns would be. She asked that I let them grow, as an experiment. I decided to up the ante, and not trim my eyebrows for a month. Confession: I’m only slightly metrosexual. The eyebrows turn into giant red caterpillars if I don’t mow them regularly. I told her about how my dear friend Phineas Freak, previous barber and childhood buddy, wanted me to grow them out so he could braid them. We never got around to it, but with all the alcohol it would have taken to sit through it, someone would have lost an eye.

The thought of Clairissa hovering over me, armed with tweezers, minuscule beads, (and those New York boobs) has me wondering if there isn’t some sort of eyebrow fertilizer on the market…

She had one other request: pictures of me with bad haircuts from over the years. I wore a mullet for ten years, (under a hat, I’m no Billy Ray Cyrus) and had puffy red dandelion hair in the late 70’s. I’m sure I’ll be in a prominent spot on her wall of shame.

So, in a month or so from now, if you see a chubby Captain Spaulding lookalike with Willie Nelson braids for eyebrows, say hi. Or better yet, go see Clairissa, support a local girl with a big heart and bigger hair, and let her work her magic on you. She’ll fill your hand with a local microbrew or a shot of whiskey, and your heart with a warm feeling.

Your hair will look mahvelous, dahling.

UPDATE: As of March 1, 2009, Hot Box is closing down. The lovely Clairissa is moving to Southern California. Those of us who have been blessed with knowing her will miss her very much. If she decides to return to Portland, I promise to yell it from the rooftops. Best of luck, sweetheart!


  1. Paco said,

    I use to do hair with Clairissa and she rocks it! Hopefully I will work with her again someday.

  2. Angi said,

    I just recently went to Clarissa and all I can say is WOW!!! She is great not just with hair but with making people feel completely comfortable. She is amazing and I highly recomend her to everyone!

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